Meant-to-Be Baby Read online

  “Oh, no.” She covered her mouth with her hand, aghast and only too aware of Ben’s pain. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Me, too.” He knotted his fingers together as he spoke, his voice harsh. “An investigation determined someone had hidden a bomb in the basket Issa made for me. It’s my fault Issa died.”

  “No, Ben. You weren’t to blame—”

  “There was a rebel faction in the camp. I’m sure Issa told them about my letters, probably read my promise that someday I’d come for him. They don’t like outsiders, especially outsiders who talk about taking away their kids.” Ben’s face was haggard. “Someone in that camp befriended him, taught him to make reed baskets, encouraged him to sneak out of the camp and find me, to give me a gift as a thank-you. They wanted to kill me.”

  She couldn’t say a word, couldn’t stop him. She didn’t want to. Ben needed to get it said, but his next words stunned her.

  “Instead Issa paid with his life. They used a little boy to inflict pain. It’s my fault he died. I wasn’t a newbie. I knew there were bad people who’d use anyone—even a little boy.” She shook her head vehemently but he ignored her. “They were my letters, Victoria. If I hadn’t written to Issa, he might still be alive.”

  “But—why?” she asked, unable to understand. “Why do such a thing?”

  “Hate doesn’t need a reason,” he rasped. “You learn pretty early when you’re in the military that hate-mongers try to ease their own pain by causing others to suffer. But that doesn’t excuse me.”

  “Ben.” Victoria rubbed a hand over her eyes.

  “I’m responsible. Do you understand now why I can’t take a chance with Mikey? Some father I’d make,” he scoffed. “I’ve already wrecked too many lives. I can’t mess up any more. All my help ever does is wreck people’s lives. I won’t do that to Mikey.”

  “But your brother broke free of his past,” she protested.

  “Did he?” Ben made a face. “Neil had flashbacks, Victoria. Horrible nightmares, long after the drugs were gone from his system. The doctors said he might always have them. If only I’d done better, been more careful, maybe I could have—”

  “Stop it, Ben.” It was so hard to chastise him, especially after what he’d just told her. But Victoria wasn’t going to let this wonderful man drown in if onlys. “Do you know Aunt Margaret’s life verse? ‘God works all things together for good for His children.’ We can’t always know why. That’s where trust comes in.”

  “Trust and not repeating your mistakes.” Ben rose slowly, studied her for a moment. Then he said in the gentlest voice, “I wish I could raise Mikey, Victoria. He’s a great kid, and I love him a lot. But that’s exactly why I don’t believe I’m the right person to oversee his future. Everyone I love ends up dead. I won’t risk that with Mikey. I have to get out of his way, let someone who knows what he’s doing be his parent.”

  Then he walked out of the kitchen, a lone, solitary figure who’d just broken her heart with the saddest story she’d ever heard.

  “Ben’s Your child,” she whispered. “He can’t go on carrying this load of guilt. Please show me how to help him.”

  Chapter Six

  “I’m sorry, ladies, but this couple just isn’t suitable for Mikey.”

  “But they’re educated, settled—” Tillie lifted her hands palm upward in frustration.

  “I know, but I can’t get past their list of rules. Sorry.” Ben needed escape, so he thanked them and left to coax Victoria outside to visit the spot he and Mikey had found, a spot he knew would be perfect for a zip line.

  “Jake told me there’s a small meadow under the snow down there. No treetops to snag potential zip liners. No jagged rocks to catch on their clothes.” He studied her face. Was she less pale this morning? “Also, if zip-lining in the winter, the kids could even drop off into the snow if it was deep enough.”

  “Maybe let’s not suggest that, okay?” She rolled her eyes. “But the site’s perfect.” The white cloud of her breath mixed with his. “What was the couple you interviewed today on Skype like?”

  “Unsuitable.” A little off balance by the question, Ben decided to tell the truth. “They aren’t the kind of parents I want for Mikey.”

  “Because?”

  “They’ve already made a list of rules for him to adhere to, with punishments. And they don’t like to travel.” Ben figured he probably sounded ridiculous but there were certain things he wouldn’t bend on.

  “Travel?” Victoria perched on a boulder and stared at him.

  “Silly, right? But I want Mikey to take trips with his family, to see God’s creation, broaden his appreciation for life.” It sounded silly when he said it out loud.

  “Ben,” she began hesitantly. “Aunt Maggie is worried they won’t be able to find exactly what you want. She thinks you’re hoping for a couple who are identical to Mikey’s parents. Are you?”

  There was one sure thing about Victoria. She was blunt. Ben liked that about her. You knew exactly where you stood with Victoria. She didn’t pretend.

  “Maybe not exactly,” he said with a frown.

  “Well, they’re not giving up. They’re still searching and asking God to lead them to the right person for Mikey.” Victoria heaved a snowball at him that he just managed to duck.

  “Hey!”

  “Just testing the consistency of the snow,” she said with a chuckle and jumped to her feet. “It’s perfect for making a snow fort.”

  “You must be feeling better.” Ben glanced around. “A fort here?”

  “Right here,” she confirmed. “I need to work up an appetite for dinner. Tillie’s making her special barley soup in the slow cooker and Aunt Maggie is making fresh rolls. They’re both fabulous cooks.”

  “How are you doing, Victoria?” he asked. “Really, I mean?”

  He couldn’t help but note the unconscious flutter of her hand across her midsection.

  “You mean with their plans for The Haven?” Victoria avoided his eyes and began energetically piling snow to form walls. “Things are coming together. If we intend to make Canada Day their grand opening, we’ll need to start advertising for staff. On a frosty day like today, July First seems a long way off, but it will be here before you know it.”

  “How many staff do you think?” Ben followed her lead and packed snow.

  Her phone interrupted a litany of logistics.

  “Didn’t think I’d get coverage up here. Excuse me.” She frowned at the caller ID. “It’s my Little Sister. Hi, Tara. What’s up?”

  By the way her brow furrowed, Ben knew this call was serious so he eavesdropped without compunction.

  “Honey, Thea wouldn’t run away to come here. Anyway, I doubt she even knows where The Haven is. Have you spoken to your foster worker?”

  Ben’s stomach took a nosedive at the words and his concern grew when Victoria hung up from that call and immediately dialed someone she called Enid, apparently Tara and Thea’s sister. He admired the way she sought to ease the girl’s fears when it was clear to him that her own were mushrooming.

  “It will be okay, honey,” Victoria soothed, though something told Ben she wasn’t sure it would be. He figured that was because Victoria knew there were too many things a rebellious almost-teen could get into. “I promise I’ll watch out for Thea. You and Tara keep praying, okay? God will work this out.”

  When she finally hung up, Victoria bowed her head, obviously sending her own plea for God’s protection of the missing girl.

  “What?” Ben asked when she lifted her head.

  “Thea, one of my Little Sisters, is being bullied at school. Apparently she was humiliated today and ran away. Her sisters believe she’s on her way here.” She interpreted the look on his face and nodded. “The authorities have been alerted.”

  “So, we’ll watch for her to show up,” Ben soothed.

  “If only I’d been in Edmonton. It would be so much easier for Thea to find me there.”

  “Who was it who recently sc
olded me about if onlys?” he reminded.

  “Me,” she agreed absently, shook out her mitts and pulled them back on. “Let’s go back to The Haven and drive down the road, just in case Thea’s on the way.” She climbed onto the snowmobile.

  “Good idea,” Ben agreed.

  “Your leg—”

  “Is fine after all the mollycoddling I’ve received.”

  “Not from me.” Victoria frowned at him. “I don’t even know what that means.”

  “To mollycoddle, as in to pamper, coddle, spoil,” Ben clarified as he climbed on behind her.

  Victoria might not admit to mollycoddling him but she drove like a turtle over rocky bumps and hillocks until they reached the main road. He scanned the road with her but the winter sun was hidden behind a cloud and with light snow now falling, it was difficult to see any distance.

  “I can search the road if you’re tired,” he offered when they stopped at a high spot.

  “That’s nice of you, Ben, but I have to do this. I feel responsible,” she admitted.

  “How can you be responsible?” He dismounted, found a little higher elevation and surveyed the area. Nothing.

  “Because I’m here when I should be where they can reach me if they need to.” He could almost see the guilt settling on her shoulders. “Tomorrow, I’ll contact the organization and ask them to find someone else to be their Big Sister.”

  “You actually think this Thea will try to come here?” Ben frowned at Victoria’s nod. “But The Haven is a long way from Edmonton.”

  “Thea is just stubborn enough to try it.” Victoria bit her bottom lip. “She’s also very angry at me.”

  “Why?”

  “Thea sees my not being there for her and her sisters as a kind of betrayal. I promised I’d be there when they needed me, and I’m not. But—” She heaved a sigh.

  “But you have to be here for your aunts now,” he finished. “She won’t understand?”

  “Maybe.” Victoria didn’t sound convinced. “Thea’s had a lot of disappointment in her life. She doesn’t trust easily.”

  “But she trusted you.” When she nodded, Ben said, “So where’s your trust, Victoria?”

  She frowned, twisted to stare at him. “What do you mean?”

  “You told the girl who phoned to trust God.” A faint smile tilted his mouth. “Practice what you preach, Big Sister.”

  She caught her breath at his impudence then released it in a burst of laughter.

  “You don’t mince words, do you? But you’re right.” Victoria stood beside him, peering through the lowering gloom. He figured she was afraid they’d find Thea trudging toward them, but more afraid they wouldn’t.

  Ben wanted to go back. He was cold and his leg hurt, but more importantly, he didn’t like the defeat he could see in her eyes. “She’s not on this road, Victoria.”

  “No, she isn’t.” Without argument, she turned the snowmobile around and drove them back toward The Haven. Once there, she climbed off and stumbled. He saw a tear dangling on the end of her lashes.

  “You have a very big heart, Victoria.”

  “Anyone would be concerned about a missing girl,” she mumbled in a half sob before stumbling again.

  “Not everyone would go looking for her.” He slid his hand over hers and squeezed. “You’re going to be great with kids who come to The Haven. And you’ll make a wonderful mother.”

  “I hope so,” she whispered.

  “But you’re going to have to make a break with the past,” Ben added gently.

  “I did that when I left Edmonton,” she shot back. She frowned when he shook his head. “What do you mean?”

  “Victoria,” he chided gently. “These three sisters you befriended clearly need constant contact and you’re no longer in a position to give it. You’re way out here instead of in the city where they can run to you.”

  “I know,” she agreed, hating the thought of failing these girls she loved. “I said I’d call but I won’t just cut them off.”

  “If you don’t, how are they going to accept someone else, another Big Sister?” he asked quietly. Then, “Is that why you’re keeping your apartment?”

  Victoria blinked in surprise, glad he was still holding her hand as she slipped on an icy patch. “How—”

  “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop this morning. I was getting a cup of coffee and didn’t realize you were in the next room.” His solemn gaze studied her. “You didn’t give your landlord notice, just told him you’d be away. Is that because you intend to go back to the city, because you believe you might have a chance with the baby’s father? Are you hoping—”

  “No.”

  Why was he so relieved that she didn’t even consider it?

  “Derek was a mistake and that’s over. It’s just—moving feels overwhelming right now. I’m so tired. I can’t face packing up all my stuff,” Victoria sighed, apparently accepting reality. “But you’re right. I do need to make the trip and tie up my loose ends. Soon.”

  “I could help, if you want. As a small repayment for all you’ve done for us.” He smiled at her dubious glance.

  “Really?” She looked hopeful, as if she wanted his help. “You have no idea what a pack rat I am.”

  “Doesn’t matter.” He tried to hide his painful memories. “Recently I’ve gained some packing experience with Neil and Alice’s stuff.” He shook off the introspection. “Just let me know when.”

  “Thank you, Ben,” she said with feeling.

  “Sure.”

  Too aware of Victoria’s small hand folded in his, Ben released it. Immediately a sense of loss engulfed him. The mountain darkness seemed to descend like a shroud, blocking out everything but the welcoming lights of The Haven. It was as if he, too, was lost, searching for a place to belong. A home. With Victoria striding ahead, it felt he’d suddenly lost a sweet and lovely connection, a tender sharing he’d seldom found before.

  Ben figured he’d better forget that because he wasn’t staying. He couldn’t. His purpose in coming here was to figure out the future for his nephew. Despite continued misgivings, Ben still couldn’t see an alternative. He wasn’t a father. He made the wrong decisions too often to take on raising an innocent child. He loved Mikey. He wanted the best for him. That meant finding someone who knew what a child needed. Someone like Victoria with her tender heart and giving spirit. She had a mother’s heart. She’d know how to raise Mikey.

  If only he could be around to watch it.

  “Get your head on straight, soldier,” he muttered to his reflection in his bedroom mirror. “Victoria’s amazing, but she’s already got her hands full. She can’t take on your problems, too.”

  But as he answered Tillie’s call to come for supper, Ben couldn’t help noticing how Mikey responded to Victoria’s loving touch, how her face softened when she gazed at his nephew. He also couldn’t help his accelerated heart rate when her gray eyes found his and a sweet smile curved her lips.

  She can only ever be a friend, his brain chided.

  Funny but Victoria already seemed like a lot more than just a friend.

  *

  Two days later, Victoria entered the workshop and saw Ben and Jake intensely focused on something Ben was holding.

  “So, what do you think?” Ben said to Jake, apparently unaware that she’d entered the building.

  “That’s a fine piece of work.” Jake slid one fingertip across the smooth surface before standing back to admire it. “You have a natural aptitude for woodworking.”

  “I haven’t done it since high school, but it felt good to make something out of those scraps you gave me.” Ben studied the wood remnants. “I think your suggestion for making a cover is doable before Valentine’s Day.”

  A cover for what? Victoria wondered.

  “Valentine’s? That’s soon.”

  “I know. It’s a gift for Victoria,” Ben said in a voice she had to strain to hear. “To say thank you from Mikey and me for all she’s done.”

  �
�Ah.” Jake nodded.

  Victoria’s heart thumped. How could she announce herself now? She’d spoil a surprise Ben had worked so hard on. She stayed where she was and waited for the right moment to slip out.

  “Thank you for your help, too, Jake.”

  “Any time. The tools are ancient, but they’re top notch and still work fine.” Jake surveyed the room. “The place has most everything a guy needs to create.”

  “Have you used it often?” Ben asked.

  “I wish. There’s always another job to be done around here. Keeps me pretty busy.” Jake turned away to continue sharpening a hoe. “Margaret wants a larger garden come spring so I’ll need this ready.”

  “Do you think their idea of a foster retreat will work?” Ben asked.

  Victoria leaned in to hear the response.

  “The ladies will put everything they have into trying. As will their girls.” Jake sounded happy.

  “Girls? But only Victoria’s here,” Ben protested.

  “For now.” Jake returned to his work. “The others will be back.”

  “How do you know?” Ben asked.

  “Tillie and Margaret were missionaries for a long time. They got in the habit of thinking about others. They raised their foster daughters the same way.”

  “I’m not sure what you mean.”

  “You know Adele’s a chef?” Jake waited for Ben’s nod. “On her day off, she cooks at a food kitchen to feed the homeless. Olivia isn’t military but she works for them. By the book is her middle name. She’s always in control, except in the hospital ward in Ottawa, when she holds drug babies who are going through withdrawal.” He frowned at Ben. “Don’t spread that around. I only found out by accident.”

  “Right.” Ben paused. “Victoria’s part of the Big Sister program.”

  “Anything to do with kids, that’s Victoria.” Jake returned to work.