Hoping for a Father Read online

  “Hey, guys. Remember we said you must stay in a line? That’s a rule we all have to follow.” Drew waited. Sheepishly, with Oliver and Mandy’s help to turn some stubborn horses, the boys moved into more orderly positions.

  Except Bailey.

  “Why do we have to stay in a line?” he demanded.

  “Because that’s how we ride the trail and because I say so.” Drew saw Mandy turn. He figured she was about to take charge, so he spoke quickly. “This is the path that we prepared for you to ride on, Bailey. It’s safe and familiar to the horses. But if you go off it, your horse could step in a hole or stumble. Or you could be hurt.”

  “My dad said—”

  “Your dad isn’t here, Bailey. I am, and because I’m in charge of you and this trail ride, I need you to obey. Now. Or you could go back to the ranch and wait for us to return.” Drew held the kid’s glare with a steady stare until the boy resumed his place. Sort of. “Since we’re stopped now...”

  Drew paused. The group’s attention focused on him. He didn’t like the spotlight, and yet... Maybe Bonnie and Ben had never been able to make the ranch his home, but they’d certainly taught Drew about where he lived. He needed to share that, even though the thought of it choked him up.

  God? Help? He felt guilty for asking when he hadn’t prayed in years.

  “I want to tell you about this area of our ranch where a wildfire went through some years ago.”

  Deliberately keeping his eyes off Mandy so he could concentrate on the kids, Drew took a deep breath, marshaled his thoughts and slowly repeated Ben’s explanation of how fire was a rancher’s enemy because of the heavy cost it could exact. The kids seemed interested so Drew then related that there were also benefits to fire, from helping start new spruce tree growth to getting rid of pests that could ruin the forest.

  “So that’s how things work together on a ranch,” he finished, shocked that he’d managed to get his spiel out without the usual difficulties.

  “’Cause, just like Ben always says at Sunday school, God makes all things work together, right, Drew?” Asa grinned at him.

  “Yeah. Right.” Drew cleared his throat, too aware of every eye on him, especially Mandy’s. He should have remembered that most of these kids attended Bonnie and Ben’s church. “Any questions?” After answering a couple of simple queries about the horses, he saw genuine interest on Bailey’s face. Maybe he could pursue that. “Okay, guys, let’s move on. Don’t want to be late for dinner.”

  He risked a quick glance at Mandy, stupidly relieved when she gave him an approving thumbs-up. Oliver winked at him, too, before moving his horse behind Bailey’s as if he didn’t quite trust the kid. Somewhat heartened that his prayer for help had been answered, Drew nudged his horse onward.

  As the kids chatted back and forth, Drew kept a sharp eye out for problems. Things happened to kids that couldn’t be fixed, and then they were left to deal with them for the rest of their lives. He’d lived that so he wasn’t about to be the cause of someone else’s lifelong issues.

  They stopped twice more before reaching the chuck wagon, which was loaded with food for starving boys. As the kids rushed to dismount, Drew reminded them to first water their horses at the trickling stream before tying the reins to an old-fashioned hitching post that someone, probably Ben, had installed.

  “You did really well, Drew.” Mandy matched his steps as they led their horses to water.

  “Thanks.” Why did that simple sentence from her make him feel so good?

  “The kids had a great time looking for all the things you spoke about, and that story of you learning to ride when you first came to Hanging Hearts Ranch was really helpful for our two newest riders.” She studied the smiling faces of the boys who were perched on fallen logs or tree stumps, balancing their food on their knees as they carried on animated discussions. “You even had Bailey enthralled. You’re going to be really good at this.”

  “I should be. I’ve done enough riding with Ben, heard his stories a hundred times. I must have absorbed something.” He waited while the horses drank, uneasy next to her, yet not eager to get away either. “I’m sorry you felt you had to come along. I’m sure it’s a waste of time you’d rather have spent with Ella.”

  “I do love spending time with her,” she agreed as a smile tipped up the corners of her lips. “But I have to do my job, too. She understands.”

  “But—” Drew stopped short and rethought the critical comment he’d been about to utter. This truce between them had to last, for his parents’ sakes.

  “You’re thinking she’s only five and she shouldn’t have to understand.” Mandy nodded, sober-faced. “I agree. But every kid has to face hard facts in their lives. Ella and I are more blessed than most to be living here on this lovely ranch. Besides, she loves her caregiver.”

  Mandy moved away to loop her reins over the hitching post. She walked to the food wagon and chose a few things for her plate. Drink in hand, she found a patch of grass to sit on and began eating.

  Drew selected his own food and then, despite a wealth of misgiving, he sat down next to her.

  “Have you completely given up on the idea of vet school?” he asked, mostly to break the silence with which Mandy seemed totally comfortable.

  “For now. Maybe forever.” She chewed a stalk of celery thoughtfully. “I don’t know. Ella comes first. Work second.”

  “So—it depends?” Drew chuckled at her surprised look. “You always used to say that. Some things never change.”

  “I say it because nothing in life is a sure thing. It always depends.” She bit into her corn cob with relish.

  “I wouldn’t have thought you’d hold that view, given your strong faith.” Drew wished he hadn’t said it because now the air between them crackled with tension. “I’m sorry. That just kind of slipped out.”

  “I know you don’t trust God, Drew. I know you don’t think I should either. You never did,” she said very quietly. “You’ve always had this chip on your shoulder, daring God to prove Himself to you. The thing is, He doesn’t have to. He’s God and—”

  An argument burst out. Of course Bailey was involved.

  “Go,” Mandy urged when Drew glanced at her. “But be warned. Sooner or later you and I are going to finish this discussion.”

  As he separated the two kids, Drew dearly hoped it would happen later. Actually never. He did not want to rehash his issues about God with Mandy again.

  What he wanted was to leave, as fast as he could, before he got any more involved.

  Not gonna happen, cowboy, his brain jeered.

  * * *

  That evening Mandy sat next to Ella, stargazing on their favorite hillside perch just below the spot where they’d buried Blackie. Ella loved waiting for shooting stars, and since the evenings were now warmer, Mandy intended to make sure it happened more often once school was over.

  “Look, Mama. A big one.” Ella pointed, holding her breath until the light faded into nothing. “God sure is smart to make so many stars,” she whispered, leaning her head against Mandy’s shoulder.

  “He sure is. Shooting stars are just one of the special gifts He made for us. Because He loves us.” Mandy lifted her little girl into her lap. “‘For God so loved the world,’” she quoted, then paused to let Ella continue.

  “‘He gave His onliest son...’” Ella turned to look at Mandy, her face scrunched up in her thinking style. “Did Jesus have a mom?”

  “Mary. Remember the Christmas story?”

  “Yeah, but I mean a mom in heaven, where He lived with His dad before He was a baby in a manger?” When her mother didn’t immediately answer, Ella jumped to her feet. “Hey, there’s Drew. I’m gonna ask him.”

  “No, Ella—” Save your breath, Mandy. She remained in place, watching her daughter race up to Drew and grab at his pant leg while she asked her question.

&n
bsp; Drew stared at Ella and then searched the dusky yard until his gaze finally found Mandy. He walked toward her with Ella trying to keep up.

  “Stop, Drew!” the little girl finally shouted in exasperation.

  “What?” He blinked and then studied her with a confused look. “Your mother is over there.”

  “I know. We’re watching the stars. But you’re going too fast.” As if to prevent him from leaving her behind again, Ella slid her tiny hand into his larger one. “Mama doesn’t know if Jesus had a mommy when He lived with God in heaven, so I asked you.”

  “Yeah, but, uh—” Drew blinked in bewilderment. “I don’t know.”

  Mandy almost laughed out loud. She was used to Ella’s sudden and unusual questions. Clearly Drew was not.

  “Well, if you don’t know and Mama don’t know, them who’m I s’posed to ask?” Ella demanded.

  “Sometimes mommies and da—” Aghast, Mandy stopped herself just in time. “Sometimes adults don’t have all the answers to kids’ questions,” she rephrased. She couldn’t tell if Drew realized how close she’d come to blurting out the truth.

  “You were gonna say daddies,” Ella said, brows drawn together. “But I don’t got a daddy.” She made a mad face. “So who knows about Jesus’s mom?” She crossed her little arms across her chest and waited.

  Mandy glanced at Drew, who lifted his shoulders in a response she translated to mean don’t look at me. I haven’t got a clue.

  “Well, honey, that’s probably a good question for Pastor Joe,” Mandy suggested.

  “Or maybe your Sunday school teacher,” Drew mumbled.

  “She doesn’t like it when I ask questions. She says I ask too many.” Ella tipped her head to one side to study Drew. “Wanna watch stars fall with us?”

  “Maybe for a few minutes.” He sat on the grass and leaned back on his elbows. “Are there lots tonight?”

  “Yep.” Ella planted herself on the grass right next to him and copied his actions. “Mama said you took some boys riding. Did you like it?”

  “I guess. I went on that trail a long time ago with Ben. It was nice to go again.” Drew glanced at Mandy. “Your mom helped.”

  “She always does.” Ella shrugged as if she found that perfectly normal. “Auntie Bonnie says God put us on this earth to be helpers for each other, an’ she says Mama is the bestest helper there ever was.” She turned to study Drew, her face perplexed. “She is a really good mama,” she said softly. “Only...”

  “Only what?” Mandy asked, anxious about her daughter’s confused tone.

  Drew also seemed to realize that Ella was troubled about something because he sat up and studied her. “Hey, what’s wrong, Ella?”

  “I want a daddy.” Her daughter burst into tears, big sobs heaving her little chest as she turned against Drew and wept her heart out. “I prayed an’ I prayed, but God didn’t get me a daddy and Mama says she can’t get me one neither.”

  “Oh.” Drew tentatively brushed her head but his gaze rested on Mandy. “I’m sorry, Ella.”

  “Mama’s sorry, too,” Ella said sadly. “But that don’t help. I need a daddy.”

  “Why?” Drew asked.

  “To love me.” Ella glared at him, her frustration evident. “Don’tcha know what a dad is s’posed to do, Drew? He’s s’posed to love his kids and take care of them an’ make sure nothing bad happens to them. An’ if it does, he’s gotta fix it. I don’t got a daddy to fix things for me.”

  “Ella, sweetie, we don’t have anything that needs fixing,” Mandy murmured, trying to reassure her. “We’re fine.”

  Ella jumped up, her face awash in tears, and scowled at both of them.

  “No, we aren’t!” she shouted. “We aren’t fine at all!” Then she whirled around and raced into the house.

  “Aren’t you going after her?” Drew demanded when Mandy didn’t immediately follow.

  “I will, but Ella needs a moment. She doesn’t like it if I go to her too quickly. After an outburst, she always says she needs to talk to God first,” she explained.

  Drew didn’t say anything for a minute, but it was clear Ella’s explosion bothered him.

  “There must be something wrong at school,” he said finally.

  Mandy shook her head. “Ella loves school and the friends she has there. It isn’t that.”

  “Then what?” Drew stared at her as if she was deliberately withholding the answer he wanted.

  “I don’t know. That’s what we have to find out,” Mandy said tiredly as she got up.

  “We?” Drew frowned.

  “I meant me. I have to figure it out. And I will. Good night.” She walked away, forcing herself to maintain an even stride, as if she had all the confidence in the world that she could sort out this issue of Ella’s, as she had all her previous ones.

  But inside Mandy was scared.

  Drew will never be the kind of father Ella described, God.

  So now what?

  Chapter Five

  Sunday mornings were Mandy’s favorite time.

  Just her and her daughter. Together.

  “That was a yummy breakfast, Mama.” Ella’s sunny smile grew as she licked the sticky maple syrup off her fingertips, her face glowing with happiness. “We never made pancakes with chocolate chips and peaches before.”

  “I know. Good, huh?” Mandy shoved the pile of chocolate off the edge of her plate into the garbage. She loved the treat as much as the next woman, but not at eight in the morning and definitely not with pancakes. “I’m thinking next week we should try onions,” she teased.

  “Yuck.” Ella peered out the window. “There’s Drew. We should ’vite him to breakfast. He hasn’t got nobody to eat with.”

  “Anybody,” Mandy corrected automatically. “You’d better go wash up so we can get ready for church.”

  “I gotta talk to Drew first.” Ella was out the door before Mandy could stop her. Sighing heavily, she followed, hoping against hope that the daddy issue wouldn’t come up again. “Good morning,” she greeted Drew, shocked by his haggard appearance.

  “Morning.” His voice sounded rumbly and hoarse.

  “Are you sick, Drew?” Ella asked as she slid her hand into his.

  “No. I was working all night.” He must have noticed Mandy’s surprise. “It’s the best time to see what the overseas markets are doing on Monday. I had a report to make.”

  “The trail rides interfere with your work, don’t they? I’m sorry.” Dismayed to realize that she’d set her own agenda without thinking about Drew’s work, Mandy made a mental note to ensure he had a copy of the booking sheet. Maybe then he could avoid future all-nighters.

  Although a part of her acknowledged that his stubbly look was definitely attractive.

  “The ride didn’t interfere. That’s when I always work. Your hands are really sticky, Ella.” Drew eased his hand from hers and grimaced as he flexed his fingers. “Have you been eating candy already this morning?”

  “Nope. Pancakes. Mama makes the best.” She tilted her head to study him. “What did you eat for breakfast?”

  “Nothing. I don’t eat breakfast. Just coffee,” Drew responded.

  “That’s bad. Teacher said so.” Ella’s disapproval radiated across her face. “You’re supposed to eat nu—nut—” She thought for a moment. “Food that’s good for you. So you can do things and be strong.”

  “What did you have for breakfast that made your hands sticky?” Drew asked.

  Uh-oh. Mandy wanted to interrupt but Ella was too quick.

  “Pancakes with chocolate chips and peaches. It was delish.” Ella’s grin was infectious because even Drew was smiling faintly.

  “And sausages,” Mandy added.

  “Ah, the nutrition part.” Drew chuckled at her glower. “You’re not quite as strict a mother as I expected.”

/>   Mandy wasn’t sure what that meant. She would have asked but—

  “We got some pancake stuff left. You can have it, if you want,” Ella offered.

  “Thanks. I’d like that,” Drew said.

  Mandy blinked in surprise. He wanted to eat with them?

  “Come on.” Ella took his hand again, giggling when he tried to avoid her touch. “You’ll be sticky, too,” she promised.

  Not quite sure why Drew was agreeing to this, Mandy followed them into her home, wishing, when he glanced around, that she’d straightened up.

  “This looks cozy,” he said.

  “That’s a good word for it.” She pointed. “We eat over there.” She waited for Drew to sit before arranging a plate and cutlery in front of him. “I’ll have the pancakes ready in a second.”

  “Oh, I thought Ella meant they were already cooked.” He frowned. “I didn’t mean to give you more work, Mandy.”

  “It’s not much work to cook a few pancakes. The batter is made.” She set the skillet on the stove and waited for it to heat. “Do you want both chocolate chips and peaches?”

  “Uh, maybe just a bit of peach on one,” he said hesitantly.

  “You gotta try the chocolate, Drew,” Ella protested. “Mama, make him try a little bit. That’s what you always say to me.”

  “Yes, I do, because experiencing things is important.” Mandy arched her brows at Drew.

  “Fine. I’ll try it,” he agreed glumly, probably to escape Ella’s expectant face.

  Hiding her smile, Mandy poured batter onto the skillet and dropped in a few chips. She took her time arranging the peach slices into a happy face, though why she was taking such care for Drew wasn’t immediately clear in her mind.

  But then, as she flipped the pancakes, Mandy decided she was doing this for Ella, because she wanted Drew to share something with their daughter, even if it was only the love of Ella’s favorite meal.