Hoping for a Father Page 19

  When they arrived at the Double H, she hurried Ella inside with a brief thanks. He figured her meeting with her friends must be soon, but later, on his walk, he noticed her car was still in front of her house.

  “Hey,” he said when Mandy answered the door. “What about your meeting?”

  “Trina’s sick so Mama can’t go,” Ella explained.

  Drew’s brain kicked in. My help cometh from the Lord.

  Help!

  “I’ll stay with Ella.” He held up a hand to stop her protest before it started, not exactly sure why he wanted to do this small thing to help her, except—he was the child’s father! He should at least be able to manage a bedtime story. “I can do it, Mandy. Right, Ella?”

  “Yep. Like I can ride my bike.” His daughter grinned.

  “You’re sure?” Mandy’s expression said she thought he’d lost his mind.

  “I’m sure. Go.”

  “Okay.” To his surprise she didn’t argue, simply grabbed her bag and walked out, calling, “Text if you need me, Drew. Night, sweetie.”

  “Night, Mama.” When the door closed, Ella studied him suspiciously. “Do you know about bedtimes?”

  “I was kind of hoping you’d explain.” He’d told Mandy he could do this. But doubt suddenly overwhelmed him until he remembered. My help cometh from the Lord.

  “I already brushed my teeth and Mama combed my hair,” Ella said. “An’ I got my jammies on.”

  “So all you have to do is get into bed.” A rush of relief filled Drew.

  “No.” Ella shook her head. “We gotta have stories first. I get one Bible story an’ one other story. Sometimes two,” she said, peeking through her lashes.

  “Is that last part true?”

  Ella sighed. “No,” she admitted sorrowfully. “Come on. We sit in this chair. I sit on your knee.” Once she had him arranged properly and had chosen the story, she handed him the children’s Bible. “This one.”

  “Daniel in the lion’s den.” Drew had a hunch she had chosen it specifically. “Why this one?”

  “’Cause sometimes I get a’scared,” Ella said quietly. “When I hear about Daniel and how God shut the lions’ mouths, then I feel better.”

  “I see.” Drew read her the story slowly while wondering what his daughter feared.

  “There.” He closed the book. “You’re safe here at the ranch, in your own house, with your mama, Ella. You know that. So why do you get scared?”

  “’Cause sometimes bad stuff happens and I don’t got a daddy.” Her big brown eyes stared at him so innocently.

  “But why do you need him when you’ve got your mom and Trina and Bonnie and Ben and all the people who work on the ranch?” he pressed, needing to understand.

  “They’re not my daddy.” Ella frowned at him. “When your daddy wasn’t there no more an’ you came to live here, didn’t you want your own daddy?”

  “Yes, very much,” he admitted, remembering how he’d longed for his former life.

  “Why?” she asked.

  “So he could see me, tell me stuff was all right, that I was a good boy and he was proud of me.” Drew spoke from his heart, letting the old insecurities out of the cave where he’d kept them buried. “I guess I just wanted him with me.”

  “Me, too,” Ella said, snuggling her head against his chest. “It’s not ’cause I don’t have a good mama. An’ Trina and everybody’s really nice. But...”

  But. For all these years that had been Drew’s issue, too. Ben and Bonnie loved him, but he’d wanted his own family back. But what if something he’d done or said had caused the accident? But if he let this place be home, was he somehow denying who he was and who his birth parents had been?

  That night of the accident, Drew’s parents hadn’t heard him say he loved them because they were gone. But the truth was they’d known it, just as he’d always known they loved him. He’d let the shock of the accident and his insecurity build up and magnify inside until it tied him in fear, such deep fear that as a kid, he’d never gone to sleep at night without wondering if God would take his new family, too.

  Yes, Drew had lost wonderful parents, but God had given him amazing people who had raised him with so much love. He saw now that no one had cut him out or excluded him. He’d made himself a loner, an outcast, by pushing away love.

  And he was sick to death of trying to pretend he was still okay with that.

  “I jus’ want my daddy, Drew,” Ella whispered.

  The plaintive sadness in her yearning voice cracked the hard shell around his heart, finally freeing him to embrace the beautiful things he’d been given. Ella was one of those.

  How could he have said he didn’t want children? Ella was pure love. She’d become part of his heart. Drew couldn’t bear to think he was causing her pain by denying her the one thing she needed to be completely happy and secure.

  Yet the old doubts rose up anew. Maybe he’d be a lousy father. He’d probably do everything wrong. In fact, Drew’s worst fear was that he’d fail his child. But he could not keep denying Ella. If he blew it, he’d just have to ask God to fix it.

  As of this moment, he was finished with standing on the outskirts of life looking in. He would embrace love and whatever went with it. He would trust God as his help, fully, completely.

  “Ella, honey, your daddy is right here. I’m your daddy, Ella,” Drew whispered, tightening his arms around her.

  “Really?” A flicker of doubt filled her brown eyes. “Really and truly, you’re my daddy?”

  “Forever,” he promised.

  Drew lost his breath as she threw her arms around his neck and repeated over and over, “I love you, Daddy. I love you.”

  “I love you, too, Ella.”

  She had a thousand questions and Drew had no clue how to answer most of them, but he was as honest as he could be.

  “So you’re my for-real daddy who loves me an’ is gonna be with me forever an’ ever?” she demanded when at last she wearily laid her head back on his shoulder.

  “I don’t know that part, sweetheart,” he whispered, watching as her lashes drooped from tiredness. “I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow. All I know is that I love you very much, and whenever you need me, I’ll be there.”

  “My very own daddy.” She exhaled with a smile on her lips as sleep claimed her.

  Drew kissed her forehead before rising to carry her to her bed. That was when he saw Mandy standing at the end of the sofa.

  “You told her,” she whispered, her beautiful face white and strained.

  “Let me put her to bed and then I’ll explain.” Drew wasn’t exactly sure how he was going to do that, so as he tucked his daughter in and brushed his fingertips against her satin cheek, he sent a plea for help heavenward. “You are the God of second chances. Please don’t let me mess this up. Not again.”

  Then he returned to the living room to see how God would answer this prayer.

  Mandy was not there.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Mandy sat behind Bonnie and Ben’s house, beside the fire pit with the coals from the earlier youth group fire still glowing. She struggled to make sense of what she’d witnessed. Why would Drew tell Ella the truth now—unless he intended to take her away?

  She slapped a hand over her mouth to stop her scream of denial. But her tears wouldn’t stop.

  “Mandy.” Drew spoke from the gloom behind her. He stepped forward, uncertainty coloring his voice. “Hiding out?”

  “Ella—” She jumped to her feet but Drew shook his head.

  “Oliver couldn’t come, but Miss Partridge will watch Ella until you return.”

  “You called her?” Mandy couldn’t believe it.

  “She stopped by with a late birthday gift for Ella...wait!” Drew must have known she intended to leave because he asked hurriedly, “Can we t
alk, Mandy? Or rather, can I talk?”

  “I—I guess.” And say what? she wondered as fear grabbed her throat. That he wanted his child? That she could never see Ella again? That she was a terrible mother?

  Oh, why wouldn’t these stupid tears stop?

  “I should have waited to tell Ella until you were there, Mandy. I’m sorry,” he apologized. “We’d read her story and she was telling me how much she wanted a daddy and why and, well, it hurt to hear her. Suddenly I just couldn’t pretend anymore so I kind of blurted it out.”

  “Why now?” she asked, twisting her head to stare at him as he sat down beside her. “What’s changed?”

  “Me.” Was that relief in Drew’s voice? “I can’t stand being on the outside anymore. I want into life.”

  “Huh?” She drew back when he burst out laughing, offended that he thought this was amusing. She rose to leave.

  “Wait, Mandy, please.” He still wore a silly grin. “It’s just—I feel like I’ve lost twenty pounds.”

  “I hope not. You’re already too skinny.” Their familiar repartee from the past was back, and that made her burst into new tears. She flopped onto the bench and doubled over, sobbing her heart out. A second later Drew’s warm hands curled around hers, drawing them away from her face.

  “Stop crying, Manda Panda. I have something important to say and I need you to listen.” He waited a fraction of a second before demanding, “Will you please look at me?”

  It took every ounce of the little courage she had left to look at him hunkered down in front of her. “Well?” she prodded when he didn’t speak.

  “I love you, Mandy Brown. Always have, always will.” He cupped her face in his palms, leaned forward and kissed away her tears. “There are a thousand reasons why and they’ll take a lifetime to explain, but mostly I love you because you are the most remarkable woman I’ve ever known and you’re the best mother our daughter could possibly have.”

  “You don’t know—”

  “Please let me finish.” He smoothed her damp cheeks with his thumbs. “All those years ago, when I went off to college and you went to Missoula, I was scared. Whenever you called, you sounded so different, so distant. I was pretty sure you were regretting that time—well, I figured you were ashamed, and I was part of that shame. I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me because of what we’d done.”

  “Huh?” Mandy couldn’t believe this.

  “The insecure kid who could never quite believe that God wouldn’t take away his family again if he let himself love Bonnie and Ben became even more insecure when he left this ranch. I knew I loved you,” he said emphatically, his warm minty breath bathing her face. “But I was scared to believe you loved me. So when you dumped me, I figured it was another one of God’s tricks and I grew an even thicker protective shell around myself. I couldn’t let anyone in.”

  She sat there, frozen, afraid to believe, to hope.

  “I took me long enough, but I think I finally figured out something, Mandy.” Drew smiled ruefully. “Love, which makes me vulnerable and terrifies me, is God’s gift to me. Love can help me get through the hard parts of life, give me joy and companionship. If I let it.”

  Transfixed by his words and the smile that stretched to his dark eyes, Mandy sat in silence.

  “That’s what you do for me, Mandy.” He brushed the tip of her nose with his forefinger. “You make my life better. I’ve never been more alive than when I’m with you. You are one of my beautiful things. And I love you more than I’ll ever be able to tell you.”

  As Drew knelt in front of her, cradling her hands in his, Mandy knew this was what she had both longed for and feared.

  “Will you please marry me so that maybe I can give you half as much joy as you give me?”

  Delighted, shocked, afraid to believe he was serious, she burst into new tears.

  “That was not supposed to make you cry.” Drew’s tortured expression hurt her heart. “Don’t you love me? Have I been wrong to think...?” The words trailed away.

  Mandy watched doubt fill him. She could have it all, the man she loved, life in the place she loved, a father for her daughter. Drew was offering her heart’s desire. Everything she’d longed for was there for the taking.

  If she kept her secret.

  If she told the truth, he’d hate her and she’d have thrown away what she most wanted.

  “Mandy?” His hands tightened on hers. “If Ella can trust God, can’t we? Can’t you trust me?”

  And that was the bottom line. Either trust God to work it out or keep carrying her secret.

  “Please, Drew, sit beside me.” She studied his dear face and the confusion filling it. Help me. I trust You, Lord. “I need to tell you something.”

  Drew must have sensed her seriousness because he immediately moved to sit beside her. But he didn’t let go of her hands.

  “Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter, Mandy. It won’t change anything.”

  He didn’t know, didn’t understand. But he would soon.

  “It matters. Just listen.” She licked her lips and unlocked the secret box inside her that for so long had been filled with guilt. “Several months into my pregnancy with Ella, I learned I was having twins.”

  Drew’s eyes widened.

  “Simply being pregnant was mind-boggling, but knowing I was carrying two babies made it overwhelming. I didn’t have much money. My insurance wasn’t the greatest and I cut corners where I could, missed doctor’s visits—so I could afford to eat,” she added quickly lest he interrupt. “I was desperately scared about the future. I could barely wrap my mind around being a mother to one child, but two?”

  Mandy stopped, engulfed in the past.

  “Keep going,” Drew encouraged.

  “My faith wasn’t the greatest then. I kept going over and over things, trying to figure out how I’d manage instead of leaving it to God. At night I had nightmares, so I didn’t get much rest. I had to stop work because I couldn’t be on my feet so much.”

  “If you would have told me—” His eyes widened. “Wait. I remember now. There was a call to the dorm once after we broke up.”

  She slowly nodded.

  “I never called you back.” He hung his head. “You’d dumped me and I was mad and I figured I’d make you wait until I came home for summer break.”

  “I know,” she said quietly. “Please let me finish.”

  Drew nodded, his face sober.

  “I got a little crazy as the pregnancy went on. I remembered how you’d always planned every detail, down to the nth degree, so I started planning, too.”

  “Planning what?” he asked, frowning.

  “How I’d manage with two children.” She licked her lips. This was almost the hardest part. “I considered adoption,” she confessed.

  Drew looked horrified.

  “I was so scared. I thought that if a nurse or someone came for a visit after the babies were born, they’d see I didn’t have proper clothes or a room for them and maybe they’d take one or both away from me.” Mandy sighed. “I was trying to prepare by running scenarios, just like you used to do, but I just couldn’t do that. Not with our children.”

  She studied her fingers wrapped around his, bracing herself.

  “You must have been so worn out,” he said softly.

  “Very. The doctor kept telling me to relax, to take it easy, for the babies’ sakes.” She gulped. “I told myself to be strong for my babies. I tried. I went searching almost every day for work. Sometimes I got a few hours, but who wants to hire a hugely pregnant woman who can barely stand up straight? Nobody.”

  Mandy gulped and clung to his fingers, fearing this would be the last time she got close to Drew. He squeezed her fingers as if to encourage her to continue. He couldn’t know how bad it would get.

  “One day my landlady was sick. She off
ered me twenty dollars if I’d get her groceries for her. That was a lot of money to me, so I agreed. I was carrying them up the stairs of the building when I felt tremendous pain. I lost my balance on the stairs and fell. I passed out.”

  Drew’s indrawn breath gave away his shock, but he said only, “Go on.”

  “I woke up in the hospital. They’d done an emergency C-section. One baby, Ella, was in the neonatal unit. They said she had breathing issues.”

  “And the other baby?” he whispered.

  “Died.” Tears rolled down her cheeks as she remembered and the guilt flooded in. “Because of me.”

  Mandy couldn’t look at him. Couldn’t see the loathing and disgust fill his face.

  “I knew I shouldn’t have lifted so much. It stressed the babies, which sent me into premature labor. Their heart rates were very high when I arrived, the doctor told me later. The other baby’s heart wasn’t strong enough. From what they said, I knew he might have survived if I’d taken it easy as I was told. He died because of me.”

  “He?” Drew’s eyes met hers. “The other baby was a boy?”

  “Your son,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry, Drew. It was probably the stress that caused Ella’s learning problems, too. I’m to blame for it—the mother who should have protected them both.”

  Drew said nothing. The silence was as forbidding as the look on his face. Mandy had to finish this.

  “I have tried my best to be a good mother to Ella, but I’ll understand if you want to take her away.” The horrible words released, she wept anew.

  “What?” Drew jumped to his feet, his face flushed. “I will never do that. Never, Mandy. How could you even think that?”

  “But what if I mess up again—?”

  “No!” He almost shouted the word. When she pulled back, he sighed, then knelt down in front of her once more and took her hands, his voice so tender. “Darling Mandy, please don’t get into what-ifs. I’ve spent nearly seven years running from them. It’s a quagmire you can never break free of. A dead end.”

  Darling? She stared at him.