Hoping for a Father Read online

  “I hope so.” Was it stupid to want Ella to have something permanent from him, so she wouldn’t forget him?

  “Ella’s your daughter, isn’t she?” Oliver smiled at his surprise. “I figured it out a while ago. You have a lot of the same mannerisms.”

  “Impossible.” Drew glowered at him. “Six weeks ago Ella didn’t even know I existed and vice versa.”

  “That look right there—that’s what I’m talking about,” Oliver said, highly amused. “Ella gets that same cranky face when she doesn’t like something. Which doesn’t seem to be often, I must admit. Your daughter is a sweetheart.”

  “Don’t call her that!” Drew gulped when Oliver frowned at him. “It’s true biologically, but—I don’t have any claim to her,” he blurted in a lowered voice. “I don’t have that right. Mandy’s raised Ella all by herself for six years.”

  “Because?”

  “Because I told her I didn’t want kids. Ever.” Drew sighed. “Apparently I said it so frequently and with such vigor that she felt she couldn’t tell me she was pregnant.” He bit his lip before admitting, “Maybe it was better that way.”

  “Huh?” Oliver’s nose wrinkled with distaste. “Better how?”

  “I’m not the fatherly type, Ollie. I don’t even have a home,” he admitted, only now realizing how true that was. “I have an apartment in New York that I thought I could make into my home, but it’s not happening. It’s just a place to live.”

  “Because home is where the people you care about live.” Oliver peered at him. “And you do care about Mandy and Ella, don’t you, Drew?”

  “Yes,” he admitted slowly. “But not in the right way.”

  “What’s the right way?” Oliver shook his head. “Caring in the Hollywood movie kind of way? The way you see on those big screen stories about magically overcoming all obstacles, surmounting all issues and becoming soul mates?” He snorted his disgust. “That’s so not reality. I think love has more to do with hard work than simply falling,” he said then took a bite of cake.

  “What do you mean work? I thought—” Drew stopped, suddenly aware that he sounded stupid.

  “I think of romantic love the way I think about loving God.” Oliver chuckled at Drew’s surprise. “Listen, when you become a child of God, you don’t rest on your laurels and wait for life to serve you, do you? Life isn’t suddenly a rose garden. There are still trials to go through and lessons you have to learn.”

  “You mean be responsible,” Drew muttered.

  “Responsible? No, that’s not exactly what I meant.” The cowboy ate his cake as he mulled it over. “Lots of people think love is about finding the right person.”

  Drew didn’t get what he was aiming at, so he remained silent.

  “I think love isn’t so much about finding as being the right person. I mean, you love Mandy, but you can’t control her.”

  “That’s for sure—hey, I never said I loved Mandy.” Drew frowned at him.

  “No, you didn’t.” Oliver’s steady regard pinned Drew. “As I was saying, we can’t control other people. We can only control ourselves, be the right person, the one God meant for us to be.”

  “You sound like you’ve gone through this yourself.” Drew hid his surprise when Oliver nodded. “What happened?”

  “I couldn’t forgive the lady for something so she chose someone who could,” he said quietly. “I thought love meant there shouldn’t be any problems, that she should be perfect. Turns out she wasn’t perfect, and I was too dumb to realize that I wasn’t either. I expected love to be easy, not that I would have to work at changing myself.”

  “I’m sorry,” Drew offered.

  “Don’t be. It was a life lesson I needed to learn.” Oliver offered him a crooked smile. “If something is worth having, it’s worth working for. As Shakespeare said, ‘Love is not love which alters it when alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove, o no! It is an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken.’” He laughed. “Or something like that.”

  “I didn’t know you were into poetry,” Drew said. “I have a feeling there’s a lot about you that I don’t know.”

  “Hey, I’m an open book.” The cowboy grinned a wicked smile.

  They ate their cake in silence until Oliver broke it, his voice now very serious.

  “Listen, Drew. The easy stuff is never the best stuff. Think if Jesus had taken the easy way out and stayed with His Father. He didn’t because He loved us. Love in action.” Oliver gazed at the mountains. “Falling in love is easy. It doesn’t take effort. Ella’s going to fall in and out of love repeatedly.”

  “Hopefully not for a while,” Drew growled, disliking the thought of her getting hurt.

  “Sooner than you think,” Oliver said. “But being in love and staying that way, the action of loving, that takes commitment, hard work and something my dad used to call stick-to-it-ive-ness. Love isn’t for weaklings, Drew.”

  Was that what he was, a weakling?

  As Drew went about his chores later, he thought about Oliver’s words. He’d never considered that loving someone meant work, but the more he thought about Mandy in relation to his parents, the more he realized his friend was right.

  Even with a bad foot rendering her almost immobile, she showed her love for his parents by organizing the renovation of their home. She’d shown it in that fruit basket she’d taken to the hospital, in her phone calls to Bonnie and Ben every night. Love glowed in the pictures she messaged his parents and her encouragement of Ella to text her grandparents. Mandy’s way of loving was far more costly than her job at Hanging Hearts could ever reimburse.

  Mandy went out of her way to care for their staff, too, insisting the schedule must give everyone a weekend off twice a month. If they were short of help, she filled the gap herself. Drew had learned from his men’s group that Mandy was highly favored among their neighbors, too, because, like his parents, she saw their needs before anyone else and found a way to help.

  Beside her, Drew felt like a slouch. What did he give his parents? Money. He’d paid for a few alterations here. As if that would show his love for them. Cold comfort. He’d done the same with his own daughter. Bought her boots, a dress, a playhouse. But he seldom spent time with her, learned her favorite games, her favorite food or what she wanted in her future.

  I want a daddy.

  Shame swelled within him. He knew what Ella wanted, but he wasn’t willing be the father who cared about her. He said he didn’t want to be responsible. Was that the real reason?

  Mandy.

  Oliver had claimed Drew loved Mandy. Oliver was right.

  But Drew was terrified of that. What if he admitted it and Mandy rejected him? What if she was too fed up with him to risk a future together? He would be on the outside again, not a part of the Double H, not a part of Mandy’s world, and maybe not even a part of Ella’s life.

  He couldn’t risk getting close to Mandy. But dare he risk it with Ella?

  Chapter Thirteen

  “You didn’t have to come today, Mandy.” It was the second time Drew had said it. “My parents would have understood.”

  Mandy scowled. As if she would intentionally stay away.

  “I missed Father’s Day and the Sunday after. I am not missing this visit, no matter how hard you try to dissuade me,” she insisted tightly. “So please stop.”

  “Why do you an’ Mama always argue, Drew?” Ella picked up on the discord between them, as usual. “I don’t like it.”

  “I wasn’t exactly arguing, Bella Ella...”

  Mandy huffed a sigh of relief when Drew let it go.

  “We won’t argue today,” she promised with a severe glance at him.

  Since the day after Ella’s birthday two weeks ago, Mandy felt a rift building between Drew and herself. It was her own fault. She’d decided she couldn’t keep let
ting herself be hurt by hoping for things—love and forgiveness—that she knew Drew would never give her. But he also seemed more withdrawn, focused on something he was mentally working through, though he hadn’t shared what that could be.

  “Do you think Uncle Ben will like my picture?” Ella’s voice remained as subdued as it had been since she’d risen weeping on Father’s Day, because God hadn’t answered her prayer for a daddy.

  “I’m sure Ben will love your picture, honey,” Mandy said gently. Her daughter mourned the lack of a father every day, but there was nothing her mother could do to remedy that.

  Knowing Drew would soon be out of her life and she’d be making this drive alone saddened Mandy. He’d stayed longer than she’d thought he would. She’d expected him to have left today. He probably would have if she’d totally been back on her feet. Well, that would happen tomorrow.

  This time of being pampered and cared for had been wonderful, but it was growing too difficult for Mandy with Drew on the ranch, within sight and earshot all the time, never knowing when he’d stop by to visit Ella or for coffee, or to check up on her, bring a wildflower or a handful of wild strawberries he’d found on a ride. Each sweet occasion was tucked away in her heart, but they would make it so much harder to return to the solitary life she’d built.

  There was no way around the truth. She loved Drew more than she ever had.

  It was a mistake to let herself dream about sharing a future together. That kind of thinking made it worse because even if Drew somehow found a way to love her, that love would disintegrate when he learned the truth. And with each day that passed, Mandy grew more certain that she had to tell him. No matter what. She’d held back because she was afraid of his reaction, but also because of Ella. What would that revelation do to their relationship? For now Mandy took it day by day, preserving the facade of mere employee and boss’s son but knowing it couldn’t last.

  “You said you need to leave the hospital early,” he reminded her. “What’s up?”

  “My friends and I get together every so often to chat and keep up with each other. I’ve missed the last two meetings. I am not missing tonight’s,” Mandy insisted.

  “But what about—?” He didn’t need to finish that sentence. His glance at her ankle expressed his thoughts.

  “I can drive to the coffee shop, walk inside and walk back out again without collapsing.” She thrust out her chin. “I haven’t used the crutch in days.”

  “Right.” Drew’s lack of argument surprised her, but then he’d seemed more introspective all week.

  Several times while practicing climbing her front steps, she had noticed him and Oliver in serious conversation.

  “We’re here,” he said, breaking into her thoughts.

  Mandy carefully eased out of the car and walked into the hospital with her head held high. Nobody was going to see that her heart was breaking. Nobody was going to know how much she yearned to have this man love her and their daughter.

  It was a relief to see Bonnie and Ben much improved since the last time Mandy had visited. Ben could still only manage a short walk because of his tender legs and feet, but he readily agreed when Drew offered his and Ella’s services to push his wheelchair to the cafeteria so they could enjoy milkshakes together. Bonnie and Mandy chose tea and headed to the sunniest patch on the outdoor patio while Ella and the men chose a grassy knoll across the space.

  “This is what I’ve missed most about being in the hospital.” Bonnie lifted her face to the sun. “I’m sorry you’ve been stuck inside, too.”

  “I was, but I’ll resume work tomorrow.” Mandy smiled as if work was her only care.

  “You’ll take it easy at first, right?” Worry added tiny lines around Bonnie’s eyes.

  “Yes, ma’am. But I need to get back in the saddle, so to speak. Pun intended.” She laughed at Bonnie’s grimace. “Drew has been amazingly helpful, and I’m very grateful to him, but he can’t keep doing my job for me. He has his own career to look after. Anyway, my foot is much stronger. I have no more swelling and I’m tired of loafing around.”

  “It does get wearisome, doesn’t it?” Bonnie’s intense scrutiny missed nothing. “I’ve been praying for both you and Drew, Mandy, clinging to the scripture that God is an ever-present help in time of trouble.” She peered across the patio where Ben and Drew were teasing Ella about her inability to whistle. “How are things between you?”

  “Nothing has changed,” Mandy said, then shook her head. “No, that’s not totally true. Since Ella’s birthday, Drew’s been spending more time with her. In fact, he’s the one who helped her get comfortable on the bike I gave her for her birthday. She was reluctant to get back on after a fall, but he’s been diligent about convincing her that she’s tough enough to master her bike.”

  “How amazing.” Bonnie looked shocked. “I’ve been praying, of course, but I never imagined—Drew’s always been so reserved and never related to kids at all...” Her voice dropped. “Thank you, Lord.”

  “He’s been very good for Ella.” Mandy smiled. “Everything she says lately is Drew this and Drew that. She challenges him if he doesn’t give her a straight answer or tries to put her off. I doubt I’ll get away with as much anymore.”

  “I’m so glad they’re getting along.” A single tear rolled down Bonnie’s cheek. “He’ll be leaving soon?”

  “I think so.” Mandy quashed a spear of pain. “I overheard him speaking to someone about a new job. I’m sure he wants to get back to New York and his numbers.”

  “Yes.” Bonnie fell silent.

  Mandy stared at her fingers, hoping to look nonchalant, unable to look directly at Bonnie because she would quickly discern that Mandy longed for Drew to stay.

  “It was good of Drew to step in,” she added. “But it’s probably easier for him to work in New York.”

  “Not necessarily true.” Drew’s comment startled Mandy because she hadn’t been paying attention as he’d left the others. He looked upset as his lips pinched together. “I can work anywhere. But don’t worry, Mandy, I’ll be leaving soon.”

  “I’m not worried—”

  “Then you haven’t found working at the ranch too cumbersome, son?” Bonnie interrupted.

  “It’s been remarkably easy for me to work from the Double H, Ma. Except for your internet.” He smirked at her glowering expression and brushed her cheek with his lips before sitting. “I’ve been on time and on target with my projections for every contract so my clients are happy to pay my exorbitant fees.”

  “Such a shame we couldn’t be there to enjoy your visit,” Bonnie lamented.

  “Don’t worry, once you’re back, I’ll come home to make sure everything’s okay,” he told her. “We’ll be able to share lots.”

  Mandy saw Bonnie’s eyes light up at his use of the word home. She was surprised, too—he’d always insisted Hanging Hearts Ranch was not his home, never would be.

  What had changed?

  “I’m just sorry you had to give up so much of your time for us.” Bonnie sighed.

  “It’s been good for me to be back.” Drew grinned at Mandy’s start of surprise. “I’ve made good friends in Oliver and some of the guys in my Thursday night group. At first they seemed to think I live a crazy life in New York.”

  “Don’t you?” his mother teased.

  “Hardly.” He shrugged. “The more we share, the more we realize that all of us have issues, but what we’re really after is quality of life. Being at Hanging Hearts has been a good time to figure out my priorities and what’s most important to me.”

  And that is? Mandy didn’t ask, but she sure wanted to.

  “Look at that old man,” Bonnie said fondly, her eyes on Ben, who was trying to make Ella’s paper airplane fly. “When he’s with her, it’s as if he’s twenty all over again.”

  “Ella’s a blessing to all of us.” Again, Drew
’s remark shocked Mandy.

  He thought Ella was a blessing? Since when?

  “The little sweetheart.” Bonnie tipped her head to study him. “And God? Have you sorted that out, dear?”

  “I’m working on it,” Drew said very quietly.

  “You don’t have to ‘work on’ God’s love, dear,” Bonnie chided. “It’s already been freely given. All you have to do is accept it and join His family.” She sighed. “But you have to decide that for yourself, and it’s a life-changing decision.”

  “Yeah.” He studied his father and Ella for a few moments before his gaze slipped to Mandy. “I’ve been helping a couple of guys in our group resolve an issue between them. That’s helping me realize that barriers we create aren’t immoveable.”

  “I’m not sure I understand what you mean, son,” Bonnie said with a frown.

  “It means we all put up barriers because we’re angry or scared or afraid. And the longer we leave them, the harder they are to take down.”

  Why was Drew looking at her when he said that? Mandy shifted uncomfortably. Could he possibly know...?

  “I was just trying to tell you that this time I’ve spent on the ranch has been good for me, Ma.” He patted her head, but a shriek of dismay from Ella had them all turning to see the problem. “Uh-oh. She’s got her airplane stuck in that tree.” Drew rose. “I’d better get back there before Pops tries to climb it.” He left, chuckling.

  “Sometimes God works in mysterious ways,” Bonnie murmured.

  Mandy was thinking the same thing. More specifically, that if Drew could face his barriers, so could she. It was time to tell him the truth and believe God would help her through whatever happened next, even if it meant leaving this wonderful couple and the place she thought of as home.

  It was time to trust completely.

  * * *

  Drew wasn’t sure what to make of Mandy’s silence on the drive home. She barely answered Ella all through their fast-food dinner, staring out the side window as if fixated, and sniffing a couple of times as if she was crying.