Rancher Daddy (Family Ties Book 2) Page 14

  Luc worried that he wouldn’t be able to make Holly see sense, that reality couldn’t impede her dream world. But he was being silly. Holly Janzen was the most down-to-earth, practical person he knew. She took everything in stride.

  So what was it about this child that had changed her? And what terrible thing had she done? Was that the reason Ron had so abruptly left her?

  “Leah is like my second chance. She gives this tiny sigh when I pick her up.” Holly gazed at the darkening sky, her mouth lifted in a sweet smile. “As if she knows she’s safe with me, that I’ll love her forever.”

  “But you’ve delivered lots of babies,” Luc said. “Why this baby?”

  “I don’t know. I only know that she’s given me a new awareness of life.” Holly drew a deep breath. “Because of Leah my world has changed.”

  “How?” he demanded.

  “For one thing, I’ve faced the truth. You were partly right, Luc.” Holly smiled at him. “I do want a family. I want children who make me laugh and test me and fill my life.”

  “So get married. I’m sure half the guys in town would be happy to propose.” Luc winced at the thought of Holly marrying any of the local men. None he could name was good enough for her. She deserved someone special.

  “I don’t want to get married.” She shifted against him. “I’m like you. My last relationship really killed my self-esteem. Ron’s rejection made it hard to consider a future. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so unwanted in my life.”

  “I know that feeling,” Luc muttered.

  “I can’t try again, get dumped again and go through the same grueling self-questioning.” Holly shook her head. “I’ll be left trying to figure out how to get through the rest of my life.”

  “I doubt that would happen.” Luc wouldn’t let it. “Not every man is like Ron.”

  “It’s happened to me twice.” Holly scowled. “I told you, I don’t want to try romance again.”

  “Got it.” Luc closed his eyes and relished these moments with her, knowing they couldn’t last.

  “But if I did,” she said, her voice firm, “bottom of my list would be to get involved with a local guy. Nobody around Buffalo Gap can see past who they think I am to the real me. My wonder-girl image just won’t go away.”

  “Holly, no one expects—” She cut him off.

  “Face it, Luc, even if they could see that I’m not their ‘local girl made good,’ if the relationship broke up, I’d be in for another pity party from the entire town.” Her face contorted into a mask of horror. “Dumped twice in Buffalo Gap? No way.”

  “For as long as I’ve known you, Holly Janzen, you’ve done your own thing, gone your own way.” Luc shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe you’re worried about what folks in Buffalo Gap think.”

  She pulled away so she could look him in the eye. As cool air rushed between them an odd sense of loss swamped Luc. He didn’t want Holly to distance herself, and yet he felt she was doing that mentally as well as physically.

  Daylight had completely faded. Aside from the light given by the moon and the flickering fire, they sat in darkness. The intimacy made Luc doubly aware of how easy it would be to let the feelings that had built up inside spill out. It would be better if they remained unsaid. Imagining a future with Holly had to be suppressed.

  “I don’t want to get married. I want my own child, Luc.” Holly’s face lay mere inches from his. Her voice begged for understanding. “You’re certain you can raise Henry on your own, aren’t you?”

  “Yes, but—” He hesitated, uncertain where this would lead.

  “If you can raise Henry, why shouldn’t I raise Leah?” she demanded. “Why shouldn’t I give that child the love she deserves?”

  Holly shifted nearer to the fire, rubbing her hands on her arms to warm them. That simple movement felt like a physical loss. A chill whispered up Luc’s spine, but it wasn’t only because of the cooler evening air that came between them. It was a gut-deep certainty that something else lay behind Holly’s motivation that she kept hidden from him. Something drove Holly that she couldn’t or wouldn’t explain. All he could offer were words of caution.

  “You’ve never spoken about adopting before. It’s quite a surprise that this baby has affected you so deeply,” he said. “I wonder if you’ve thought about this from a different point of view.”

  “Like what?” Her tone didn’t brook meddling.

  “A while ago we were talking about God’s will. Do you see this as God’s plan for you?” He needed her to think this through. “Are you certain that God is directing this and not your heart? Maybe you’re trying to fill the hole that Ron left.”

  Holly stared at him long and hard before she rose, dusted down the legs of her jeans and walked toward her horse.

  “Holly?” Luc followed. He touched her arm, not surprised when she flinched. His heart pinched at the sheen of tears that glossed her blue eyes. “I’m not trying to hurt you, Holly.”

  *

  “You may not be trying to hurt me, but that’s exactly what you’ve done, Luc.” Holly fought back the disappointment that felt like a shroud smothering her.

  “Please.” Luc stood beside her, his face in shadow, his voice pleading.

  “No. You listen to me.” She would not cry in front of him. “I supported you completely when you said you wanted to adopt Henry. I helped you with Abby, I researched and did the best I could to help you bond with him. I’ve been there for you, Luc.”

  “You have. I’m very grateful.” His tight voice bugged her.

  “Silly me. I thought you’d do the same for me. Because I thought we were friends.” She could hardly stomach the thought that Luc opposed her decision to adopt Leah.

  “Holly, you’re my best friend. I’d never want to hurt you.” He hesitated then touched her cheek. “I didn’t mean to make you sad.”

  “Then why—”

  “This all came out of left field for me.” Luc sighed and raked a hand through his hair. The angle of his stance allowed the moonlight to cascade over his face. He looked so strong, so handsome. So…lovable?

  “I’ve been thinking about it a lot.” Holly suppressed her wayward thoughts about Luc Cramer. This was about adopting a baby, not some silly crush on her neighbor.

  “You never said anything.” He sounded dubious.

  “I’m sure I’ve been talking about Leah nonstop lately, haven’t I? She’s the best thing in my life right now.” As Holly said it, a warm glow filled her. Surely he felt the same about Henry.

  “I understand she’s special to you.” He nodded.

  “Then why don’t you want me to adopt?” A rush of bitterness boiled up inside her. “You don’t think I’d be a good mother?”

  “I’ve told you a hundred times you’d make a fantastic mother, Holly. But you’ve always said there was no way. Your sudden about-face is confusing. Come, sit down and explain it to me,” he invited. “I’ll stir up the coals to keep us warm.”

  “I don’t want to talk anymore, Luc.” Holly studied his face for a long time. Finally she shook her head. “I’ve told you my plan. If you can’t support me then I’ll look to my other friends. But if it’s at all possible, I am going to adopt Leah.”

  She swung up onto Melody’s back but kept the mare from moving, bothered by an expression on Luc’s face that she couldn’t quite decipher.

  “Holly, I need to tell you something.” Luc’s grave tone caused chill bumps to appear on her arms.

  “What is it?”

  “I went to visit Petra this week.” He held up a hand to stop her comments. “Not to do anything behind your back. I wouldn’t do that.”

  “Then why?” she asked.

  “To talk to her. To see Leah. To try and understand your decision,” he said very quietly.

  “And?” There was more. She could see it in his eyes—something he didn’t want to say. “Tell me, Luc.”

  “Petra doesn’t want to keep her baby, but she plans to ask Abby to ar
range for a two-parent adoption.” The words burst out of him.

  It took Holly a moment to comprehend. She reared back as the words struck home. Luc’s hand covered hers on the saddle fork.

  “Petra was raised by a single mom who never had time for her. When her mother hit tough times, she couldn’t handle it, had no one to lean on. She had a severe emotional breakdown that affected Petra badly,” Luc explained.

  “Petra never told me.” Taken aback, Holly sat there stunned.

  “She’s reluctant to tell anyone.” Luc’s eyes brimmed with sympathy. “That’s why she came here. When her mother learned Petra was pregnant, that there was another mouth to feed, she couldn’t take the thought of more responsibility. She’s in a mental hospital.”

  Gutted by his words, Holly sat motionless, trying to digest everything.

  “Holly?”

  “It doesn’t matter,” she said, straightening her spine. “Leah is an answer from God for me. He’ll work it out.” She lifted the reins. “Thank you for the picnic but I’m going home now. I need some time to think. Alone. Good night, Luc.”

  Holly rode as quickly as she dared toward home, knowing Luc would stay long enough to ensure the fire was completely out. As she rode, she replayed their conversation. Devastation threatened to swamp her.

  “You’ve come through before,” she told herself. “And the way you’ve made it through is by relying on yourself. You can’t depend on anyone except God. You can trust Him.”

  She could trust Leah, too, Holly decided. A baby wouldn’t betray her. Not like Luc had just done. Why hadn’t he told Petra what a good mom Holly would make? Why hadn’t he stood up for Holly? Why wasn’t he there for her?

  Because deep down Luc didn’t believe Holly should be a mom.

  Chapter Ten

  How things could change in a few short weeks.

  “A few things from Family Ties to welcome her to your family,” Holly said with a tremulous smile.

  Luc gulped. On the first Monday in July, he stood beside her in front of Family Ties, his heart pounding with fierce pride at Holly’s generosity as she laid a gift-wrapped box in the arms of Leah’s new parents. He knew the box was filled with the sweet baby garments she’d sewn when she believed Leah would soon be her daughter. With the box transferred, Holly bent and gazed at the child she’d lost.

  “Bye, darling Leah.”

  The words were so quiet Luc might have imagined them except for seeing Holly’s lips moving. Her avid gaze riveted on this blessed baby, committing to memory every detail of the child who would never be hers. When she stepped back and waved goodbye to the new family, he knew she was holding back her tears, but her composure wouldn’t last long.

  That’s why Luc was here. That’s why he wasn’t going anywhere until he was certain Holly was all right, no matter how often she told him she wanted him to leave her alone.

  “Can you get me out of here, please?” she asked through gritted teeth, obviously aware of the curious townsfolk watching.

  “Let’s get coffee at the drive-through then go drink it in the park. I doubt there’s anyone using that bench by the river at this hour of the morning.” Luc escorted her to his truck and saw her inside. He checked her stoic face once before starting the engine. Silent tears dripped from her chin. “Oh, Holly. I’m so sorry.”

  “Go, Luc. Please,” she begged.

  So he bought coffee, handed it to her to hold and headed for the most secluded corner of the town park, made more private by the wide circular hedge which sheltered it from onlookers. A wrought-iron bench sat next to the river. When Holly sat down he handed her a cup then sat beside her. He sipped his brew, waiting for her to open up when she was ready.

  “I should have listened to you,” Holly murmured, ending the long silence that had fallen between them. “That day up in the hills, I should have listened instead of trying to get my own way. I wish I had. It’s just that I thought maybe Leah was some kind of gesture of God’s forgiveness. Maybe if I’d listened to you it wouldn’t hurt so much now.”

  “Don’t hurt, Holly.” He folded her hand in his. Though the morning was hot, her fingers against his were icy. “Think about Leah with her loving parents, safe and secure in a home where she’s wanted and celebrated. God didn’t mess up with Leah. He gave her a family to love her.”

  “I know.” Pain lay buried in her voice. “I blamed you, you know. Told myself you didn’t have enough faith in me.”

  “Well, that’s wrong.” Luc smiled at her. “Because Leah left doesn’t mean He’s forgotten you or your prayers.”

  “Why do you say that?” She tossed him a curious sideways glance.

  “Because the Bible says that God’s plans for us are good and just because there’s a delay or a change in course, doesn’t mean He’s saying no to what we desire. It only means God has something different in mind.”

  “It wasn’t long ago you were questioning God’s will,” Holly remarked in surprise.

  “I guess I’m learning to trust.” Luc desperately wanted to help this tender, giving woman get past her grief and see the potential in her world. “You have so much to give, Holly.”

  “I don’t want to give anymore.” She lifted her gaze to meet his. “I want my own way. I want Leah.”

  “I know.” He squeezed her fingers, loving her honesty. Instead of diminishing after the campfire a week ago, his emotional bond with Holly had strengthened. Her sadness was his because she was an integral part of his world.

  “When will losing Leah stop hurting, Luc?”

  “Maybe when you get involved with others.” He grinned. “In that vein, I wouldn’t say no if you wanted to help me today.”

  “With what?” She studied him so curiously Luc could only hope this idea worked out.

  “I promised Henry that the day camp he’s attending this week could come out to the ranch this afternoon.” Luc faked a shudder. “I could really use some help.”

  “Don’t play me, Luc,” Holly said with some asperity. “You’re trying to cheer me up by giving me a job but I know you’re perfectly capable of entertaining those kids.”

  “I’m not—” The look she shot his way made him pause.

  “As it happens I am at loose ends today and keeping busy with a bunch of kids is exactly what I need to wear me out.” Her backbone straightened. “When do they arrive?”

  “Half an hour. They’ll stay for lunch,” he told her deadpan.

  “What?” For a second lovely Holly Janzen’s mouth dropped. Then she regained control, capped the lid on her coffee and rose. “Well, let’s get out there. Why are you dallying here with me?”

  “I like dallying with you.” He doubted she knew how true that was.

  “Luc.” Holly walked with him to his truck then laid her hand on his wrist. “I’m sorry about—”

  “No. I’m sorry.” He tapped a gentle forefinger against her lips. “But the thing is, friends don’t need to apologize to friends.” He lifted his hand away. It was either that or smooth his fingers over her cheeks, slide them into her hair and press her head to his shoulder.

  “Friends shouldn’t be such jerks when other friends are only trying to help them.” She held his gaze. “Should they?”

  “Nope.” He grinned at her.

  “I should never have expected to adopt Leah,” she admitted. She stared at her feet. “I should admit that when I was trying to pray about it, I knew I was really asking for my own way and not God’s will. I don’t deserve Leah.”

  “What do you mean?” Luc frowned.

  “Not getting to keep Leah, that’s God’s punishment,” Holly murmured.

  “God isn’t like that.” Luc couldn’t fathom anything Holly could do that would bring God’s punishment. “God is love,” he said firmly. And how could God help but love sweet, tender Holly?

  “We should go. Your guests will be arriving.” Holly forced a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “I’ll get my jeep, drive myself and meet you there. Do you need an
y supplies?”

  “No. I have everything I need.” But as Luc watched her walk away, he knew it wasn’t true. He needed Holly. But he knew he would fail at romance.

  But I can be her friend. I can help her heal, find new possibilities, new ways to give from that loving heart of hers.

  Luc’s dreams of the future always included Holly. She would be an essential part of his future with Henry. She was the first one Luc thought of whenever a problem stymied him. Now Holly’s happiness was becoming the most important thing in his world.

  Is that love?

  “I want her to be happy,” he prayed as he drove to his ranch. “But that isn’t love. It can’t be.”

  Because falling for Holly would mean opening himself up for rejection and the one thing Luc did not want to experience with Holly was rejection.

  “I’ll be her best friend, God,” he promised.

  Somehow that felt like second-best.

  *

  “Thank you for asking me to help, Luc,” Holly panted, opting out of the rousing game of dodge ball to stand by him. “This is exactly what I needed.”

  “We’re certainly glad you came, Holly.” Local teacher Georgette Finstead had again volunteered to lead Buffalo Gap’s one-week summer day camp for local kids. “This class is the biggest our program has ever had. I’ll take all the hands I can get. Luc’s been wonderful to let us come out here.”

  Holly barely covered her snort of disgust as the teacher simpered at Luc who backed away as if he’d been stung. He shot Holly a look of pleading.

  “If you can manage alone for a few minutes, Luc and I could sure use a break,” she said to Georgette. “We ranchers get up before the sun.”

  “Oh, by all means.” Georgette turned to correct some misbehavior, and Holly yanked on Luc’s arm.

  “Stop staring at her hair,” she hissed.

  “I can’t help it,” Luc muttered. “How does she get it to stay piled on her head like that?”

  “I wouldn’t know,” Holly mumbled, feeling disheveled and sweaty beside the pristine Georgette. In the shade of a poplar tree, she poured them each a glass of lemonade and handed one to him, which he swallowed in one gulp.