Yuletide Proposal Page 12

  “I’m not a baby, you know.” Cory’s indignant tones burst through the open window. “I don’t need a babysitter.”

  “I’ll be a minute, Zac. I’ll bring my notes for Your World, too.” She winked. “You can tell me what you think of my latest ideas.”

  “Great.” Zac waited as a short discussion inside whispered through the walls. A few moments later Brianna walked through the door, a sweater in one hand and her bright turquoise bag in the other.

  As they walked away from the house, Zac kept the conversation going with mundane comments but once they were a block away, Brianna laid a hand on his arm.

  “You want to talk about Cory,” she said.

  “Yes.” He couldn’t help but notice how quickly she removed her hand. “Am I that obvious?”

  “Well, you haven’t asked me to go for a milk shake in quite a while,” she teased then quickly sobered. “What’s wrong?”

  “Not wrong exactly.” As usual, the words deserted him. He pointed toward Pearson’s. “Let’s get our drink and take it to the park. We could talk there without anyone overhearing.”

  “Okay.”

  Once they were seated on a park bench, Brianna turned to him, expectation lighting the green of her eyes to a translucent glow. This was not going to be easy.

  “Brianna, this is absolutely none of my business and it isn’t easy to ask, but—” Zac exhaled “—do you think it’s possible Cory resents you?”

  Chapter Nine

  “What did you say?” Brianna’s jaw sagged.

  She’d imagined a thousand scenarios for this “date” with Zac, and not one of them even came close to this.

  “I said—”

  “Never mind. I heard you. But I don’t understand why you would think my son would resent me.” Anger bubbled up at the injustice of it. “I’ve never done anything but my best for Cory.”

  “I don’t doubt it.” Zac fiddled with his straw. “And I am not accusing you. It was something Cory said. He’d been asking questions about our past relationship. He said your mother told him we were engaged but our breakup was your fault.”

  “Oh, no.” She felt the blood drain from her head. How dare she!

  “Then he got into memories about all the Christmases you two spent alone when you could have been here, sharing them with his grandparents.”

  Brianna listened as Zac related Cory’s comments, trying to hide her pain. She worked so hard to keep her precious boy away from the misery her mother had imposed on her own life, and now Cory thought she’d cheated him out of a family? He resented her for saving him from the very things that had marred her own life?

  Betrayal burned deep. Despite her best attempt, Brianna couldn’t stop the tears from welling or dribbling down her cheeks to her chin.

  “I’m sorry,” Zac murmured. “I never wanted to hurt you. I just thought that if you knew—” His words faded into the shadows of dusk.

  Brianna sniffled, glad that the sun had gone down, that here in the dark, no passersby would see her weeping. Because she couldn’t stop.

  “It’s not fair,” she mumbled.

  “Oh, Brianna.” Zac’s arms came around her, and he hauled her against him, cupping the back of her head in his hand and drawing it against his shoulder. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

  “Yes, you should have.” She dragged one hand across her face to erase the tears and leaned back just far enough to glare into his eyes. “Just because it hurts doesn’t mean it isn’t the truth. I have kept Cory away from Hope, deliberately. I had to.”

  “But, why?” His face conveyed his confusion. “Would it have been so terrible to come home for Christmas? Or invite your parents to Chicago?”

  She reared away from him, incredulous that he could even ask.

  “You’ve heard my mother, Zac. She can’t stop criticizing me.”

  “Now, yes, it is bad,” he agreed. “But that’s her disease talking.”

  “No, that is my mother talking. That’s how she’s always been.” She saw his disbelief and laughed, though there was no mirth in her eyes, only misery. “Why do you think I wanted so desperately to escape this place after high school? Why did you imagine I begged you to tutor me so I could get a scholarship? I couldn’t stay here, work in her store and get ground down anymore. I had to get away.”

  “You never told me this before.” He frowned, fiddling with the curls at the nape of her neck as he tried to puzzle it out. “You never said a word. We were supposed to be married and you never confided any of this.”

  “Of course not. Do you think I wanted your pity? Your mother was perfect.” His touch disconcerted her into saying more than she meant to. “Why did you think I never wanted to come home to be married?” Brianna demanded.

  “I don’t know.” Zac looked into her eyes, searching for answers. “Why didn’t you?”

  “Because I knew she’d take it over,” Brianna blurted out. “And she did. It wasn’t our wedding. It was her chance to show off.”

  “That’s why you changed everything from the small simple affair we’d originally decided on?” He sighed at her nod. “I thought it was because you regretted opting out of a big wedding.”

  “I never wanted a big wedding and I didn’t change anything. She did,” she murmured, edging her head away from his fingers. It was that or lay it against his shoulder and she didn’t have the right to do that. Not anymore. She stared at him, glad the lamp overhead was dim enough to offer some protection from his searching eyes. “I just wanted to be married to you. I wanted us to be happy.”

  Zac opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again. Brianna let out her pent-up breath, realizing in that moment that she wanted him to say he wished they’d gone through with the wedding. But Zac didn’t say that.

  Instead he accused, “We should have talked about all this back then. You should have told me.”

  That was not what she wanted to hear. Brianna edged away from him, struggling to regain her composure.

  “Like you should have told me about the job she offered you, preferably before you accepted it.”

  “Yes,” he admitted. “I should have. But at least you learned about it. I didn’t know about your mother and I should have. We shouldn’t have had any secrets, Brianna.”

  Bitterness suffused her soul.

  “No,” she whispered, “we shouldn’t have. But we both did.”

  “I didn’t.” He met her glare and frowned. “You’re hinting at something but I don’t know what. Why don’t you tell me why you left? Be honest.”

  For a second, for one silly moment, she’d let herself imagine that Zac still cared about her, that they could recapture the feelings of the past. But she knew that wasn’t true. The past was dead and gone, and just because she was weak and leaning on him now didn’t mean anything had changed.

  “I am always honest. Are you?” She shifted so his arms fell away from her, unable to bear his nearness and the memories it evoked.

  “What does that mean?” he demanded with indignation.

  Don’t go there, Brianna. The pain isn’t worth it.

  “Forget it, okay? This is about Cory. I have to help him or he’ll ruin his life.” Resolve firmed her traitorous response to him. “I am not going to let that happen. You asked me why I didn’t come back home. The truth is I never wanted to come back, except to work at Whispering Hope Clinic. If I could have kept my vow to Jessica and done it somewhere else, I would have. But she died here and I promised her I’d come back, help other kids through the pain of their worlds.” She gulped. “My past is something I never want to return to again. But I’ll tell you this, if I had to do it all again, I would do the same thing, to protect Cory.”

  “Have you no good memories of Hope?” Zac asked softly.

 
“Not enough to outweigh the misery.” She refused to give in to the soft, squishy feelings that begged her to remember blissfully happy times in Hope—happy because Zac was there. “Coming home back then—I fell right into my mother’s hands. And nothing has changed since except that now her focus is Cory. She’ll do everything she can to alienate him from me, including cast doubt on my ability to parent. But my job is still to protect Cory.”

  “I think you’re going to have to explain your decisions to him. He doesn’t understand why you did it and he needs to. Plus, he’s very fond of his grandmother,” Zac reminded her.

  “Of course he is.” Brianna smiled bitterly. “She gives him everything he asks for. He has no boundaries with her.”

  “It must be hard for you to watch how she is with him.” Zac’s quiet words showed her he understood more than she’d expected.

  “I’ll live. The thing is, I have to walk a fine line between telling him the truth and destroying the relationship he’s building with her. I don’t want to do that, but neither do I want my son corrupted. Cory only has till Christmas to prove himself. I’ve got to ensure he does that without any more screw-ups.” She rose and tossed her half-full cup in the trash. “Thank you for telling me, Zac. I have to think about it for a bit before I talk to Cory. It’s delicate.”

  He, too, rose and walked beside her down the street without speaking. The entire time they’d been seated on the bench, people had been walking past. Brianna had no doubt that by tomorrow the entire town would be speculating on whether they were getting back together again. Let them. Right now she had to concentrate on her son.

  “I’m glad we talked, Brianna. I think we should do it again. What you told me tonight raises a lot of questions about the past—our past.” Zac stopped at the end of her walk, studying her through the gloom. “There are so many things I don’t understand.”

  “Join the club.” Like why he’d sided with her mother against her. Like why he’d been so willing to abandon everything they’d planned. Brianna pushed away the past, its questions and the pain. Time to move on. “Thanks for your help,” she said. “Good night.”

  Zac nodded but said nothing. He stood in place, watching until she’d mounted the stairs. But as she drew the door closed behind her, Brianna thought she heard him murmur, “Till next time.”

  She fingered the ring at her neck as she closed the door on Zac and the rush of hope his words brought. There could be no next time for them, except as coworkers. She walked upstairs. Cory was in his room, hunched over the book Zac had given him.

  “How was the milk shake?” he asked, his eyes hooded so she couldn’t read his thoughts.

  “Okay.” She decided to say nothing about the mess surrounding her. Not tonight. “Is your homework finished?” she asked as she bent to brush a kiss against the top of his head.

  “Yes, Mother,” came the droll response.

  “Good work. Good night, sweetie. I love you.” She waited a second but Cory didn’t respond with his usual “love ya.” And that hurt. Before he could see her tears, she walked out. But in the security of her room she finally broke down, weeping her mother’s heart out to God.

  Even when she’d tried so hard to do the right thing, she’d hurt Cory. And praying about it brought little solace.

  Her Bible lay open on her nightstand. The words leaped out at her.

  Lord, why are You standing aloof and far away? Why do You hide when I need You the most? Why have You forsaken me? Why do You remain so distant? Why do You ignore my cries for help? Why have You abandoned me?

  The hurt and anger poured out of her soul toward heaven in a torrent of misery. Desperate to find some relief she picked up the book she’d been reading and looked over Job’s words.

  But He knows where I am going. And when He has tested me like gold in a fire, He will pronounce me innocent.

  The book’s claim that some hardships in life were to test and mature faith, part of a normal friendship with God, reminded her of Zac’s garden plaque. She glanced at the book. Will you continue to love, trust, obey and worship God though you have no sense of His presence?

  “I’m trying,” Brianna whispered. “I’m trying so hard to trust Your promise that You will never leave me. Please help me.”

  Worn out, Brianna sat in her window seat remembering the feel of Zac’s arms around her in the park. As she stared up at the stars, old familiar feelings for Zac, which she’d thought long dead, welled up anew; familiar feelings that had made her want to run to him, throw herself into his arms and try to recapture the love she’d once found with him.

  But he didn’t want that. He’d said it was better they’d separated.

  There was no going back. So why didn’t that weak spot in her heart understand that just because Zac comforted her, just because he said and did nice things for her and her family, didn’t mean he cared about her? Just because her heart skipped a beat whenever he appeared, just because she thought of him constantly, didn’t mean anything could come of it.

  The past was over.

  So why couldn’t Brianna let it go?

  * * *

  Troubled by the things he’d heard tonight and by the questions Brianna’s comments had raised, Zac stretched out his run until his lungs burned and his knees ached. But tired as he was, he could not rest.

  Had Brianna’s life at home really been that bad? He’d envied her high-school popularity so much, Zac had never really looked beyond her lovely house, her successful parents and her seemingly perfect life. But now bits and pieces of past conversations with her mother in the weeks before their wedding brought new questions.

  Brianna has no sense about color so of course I had to choose the bridesmaids’ dresses.

  I hope you won’t mind, Zac, but I changed the order for the wedding cake. Brianna just doesn’t understand how to coordinate anything.

  The comments piled up in his mind, little things he hadn’t paid much attention to back then, but should have.

  When they’d begun college, Brianna’s style had blossomed into autumn shades of rust and orange and turquoise. Those colors reflected her vibrant personality. He’d always wondered what prompted the change, though he’d never asked. Now he wondered, was it because she’d finally escaped her mother’s dominance?

  His overpowering response to Brianna tonight shocked Zac. He’d wanted the right to confront her mother, to shield her from the pain, to protect and help her. But that way of thinking was dangerous. Because their past was over.

  Yet tonight, for a moment when he’d held her in his arms, Zac had desperately wished it wasn’t. He’d wished he had the right to kiss her, to help her with Cory, to be part of her family and help ease the burden she carried.

  Stupid.

  Zac made himself a cup of calming tea. He sipped it outside on the patio and watched the stars. He tried to think of everything but Brianna. But despite his attempt to relax, Zac found himself more on edge than ever.

  Brianna didn’t want him. She’d made that clear ten years ago.

  Zac had thought God had done the same thing. Though he still went to church, though he talked a good line to Brianna, it was all a facade to hide the loneliness in his heart. Tonight that barren emptiness welled up more powerfully than ever before, threatening to consume him. He still envied Brianna her family, even with the trouble they caused her.

  Better than being alone.

  Zac tossed out his tea and hurried back to his office. Work would ward it off. It always had before. Surely if he could focus on the next step to his goal, he could get his mind off the ache in the middle of his gut that came from wanting what he couldn’t have.

  But hours later Zac still hadn’t dislodged the memory of Brianna’s tears rolling down her downy-soft cheeks, or the weary sigh she’d breathed into his neck.

  Or the realization
that it had never felt more right to hold this woman in his arms.

  * * *

  “Look, Peter, my job is not to squash your daughter’s dreams. My job is to help her understand herself so she’ll find meaning in her world. I’m sorry you’re not happy with my counsel, but the fact that Eve is even thinking about her future is a huge growth step from where she was a month ago.” Brianna watched her former schoolmate’s face harden and inwardly sighed. Me, again, God. Please help.

  “We can’t afford her dreams,” came the bitter response.

  “You don’t have to. Right now they’re just dreams. They may change and she’ll have to figure a way to achieve them. For the moment she’s still exploring.” She struggled to sound empathetic but authoritative. “But I caution you that to keep disparaging her dreams only expands the rift between you. If you could just listen to her, encourage her to talk, share her hopes—”

  “Share them? Don’t you get it? I’d give my heart for my kid to get her dream. But it just isn’t possible.” Peter Larsen jumped to his feet. “You can’t counsel our kids to do what you did, Brianna, to abandon their families.”

  “That’s not what I’m trying to do,” she finished, wincing as the door slammed shut.

  Almost immediately the phone rang.

  “Brianna, you need to come to my office. Now. Right away.” Zac sounded disturbed.

  “I wish I could but I’ve got two more parent meetings this morning.”

  “It’s urgent. It’s Cory.”

  Oh, no.

  “Is he hurt?” Panic grabbed her.

  “No.” Zac’s voice sounded hard. “He’s fine. It’s not that.”

  “Then it will have to wait. I promise I’ll come as quickly as I can, Zac. That’s the best I can do.” With that she hung up, but through her meetings she remained concerned by the angst in his tone. Peter Larsen had been a sprinter in high school, but surely even he couldn’t have gone from her office to the division office to complain so quickly.

  Brianna pushed everything but her work aside, using every mediation skill she’d learned to calm the angry parents while still supporting their children’s goals and dreams. By noon she felt deflated and certain she’d made little