Rocky Mountain Daddy Page 11

  “Understandable.” Gabe grinned. “It also explains a lot about who you are now, Ms. Competence.”

  “Whatever. It didn’t work, though, because I still got sent from one home to the next.”

  “Which meant you tried harder. You became increasingly responsible, maybe babysat even though you were too young?” He smiled at her blink of surprise. “Stands to reason and you are, above all things, a logical person, Olivia.”

  “I guess.” She sighed, hating the next part. Though if he was to understand, it had to be said. “That’s how I got in trouble.”

  Gabe arched one eyebrow in surprise, and suddenly she couldn’t do it.

  “This is silly. It’s late. You have as hectic a schedule as I do.” She jumped to her feet, forcing a yawn as if to prove her tiredness. “We should say good-night, Gabe. We can reminisce another time.”

  Only Olivia did not want to go back to that sad pathetic girl, to remember, to feel the guilt all over again.

  “This is a perfectly good time. I don’t have to be anywhere else.” Gabe’s steady voice told her she wouldn’t get off so easily. “And I’m not in the least tired.”

  “You should be, after all the running around you did for me today. I do appreciate it, you know.” She was surprised by the wry smile lifting his lips.

  “Okay, you’ve thanked me profusely and used those good manners the aunts taught you. Now can you just say whatever it is?” he added in a soft murmur.

  “I don’t know,” she admitted. “I’m—afraid.”

  “Of me?” he demanded, eyes wide with consternation.

  “Not of you.” Olivia wished she’d gone to bed and let sleep drown out the memories. “It’s me. It’s my past. It’s—pretty bad,” she warned.

  “You were abused.” The words sounded pulled from him. “Olivia—”

  “No.” She rushed to stop him. “That’s not it. I almost wish it was.”

  “What? Why?” Poor Gabe looked so confused.

  “If I’d been the one who’d been hurt, I could deal with that,” she explained. “But to know that someone else was hurt because of me?” She shook her head. “That eats at me. You see, I’m the one who should have died.”

  Gabe stared at her. “I don’t understand.”

  “How could you?” Olivia inhaled deeply, then sat back down to quickly relay the details of her past, beginning with the fire when she was eight and then the drowning a year later. Accidents that had taken two of her young foster siblings.

  She bared her soul, told him all the issues of blame and accusations that had followed, how the parents had hated her, because she’d lived and not their child. How after that she’d been shuffled from place to place, unwanted and in the way and growing increasingly bitter, acting out that bitterness until no one wanted her.

  “I even beat up another girl once.”

  “You were an unhappy kid lashing out, Olivia,” Gabe said softly.

  “Yes. After those kids died—they sent me to therapy. I’ve been told many times by many people that those two deaths weren’t my fault,” she admitted. She lifted her head to study him. “It doesn’t help. Psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, ministers. They all say the same thing.” Olivia made a face. “Forgive myself for not saving my foster siblings and get on with my life.” She sniffed her disgust. “Trust me, I’ve tried.”

  “And?” Gabe frowned as he watched her face.

  “I can’t.” She couldn’t meet his gaze.

  “Because?” As always, Gabe went straight to the point.

  “Because I don’t understand why I’m alive and they aren’t. Because I can’t figure out the reason they had to die and I didn’t,” she whispered brokenly. “They had family, people who loved them, needed them, wanted them. I didn’t. I didn’t matter to anybody. So why did God let me live? What’s so special about me?”

  “I finally get it. That’s what drives your need to organize and find order. You’re trying to make sense of your world.” The understanding filling Gabe’s voice made her study him. “You’re trying to prove you deserve to be alive, Olivia.”

  “Am I?” She mulled it over. “Maybe. I am trying to be the very best I can be.”

  “Because?” He was pushing her to look deeper.

  “It’s stupid, but if I’m good enough—” Olivia hesitated, his gaze holding hers “—maybe then I won’t be responsible for another child being hurt?”

  “That’s why you avoid kids, to protect them.” Could he see into her heart? “And that’s getting harder to do because you’ve taken on Victoria’s job and responsibility for kids scares you. It’s like being thrust into your childhood again.” His dark eyes glowed. “Am I right?”

  “I’ve always tried to do my best, Gabe.” She reconsidered her life in Ottawa. “I volunteered where I could. I tried to make my life meaningful...” She let the sentence trail away, hating the pathetic sound of desperation in her words.

  “All of that is great, Olivia.” Gabe crouched in front of her. His hands closed over hers, warm and comforting. “But you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. You can’t keep living your life avoiding contact with kids without it adversely affecting you. And what you’re saying now proves that is already happening. You’re constantly checking yourself lest you get too close.”

  “Avoiding them is the only way I know to protect them from me. What else am I supposed to do?” Tears rolled down her face. “Tell me, Gabe, and I’ll do it.”

  “You can’t do anything to fix the past, Livvie—” He stopped and shook his head. “You have to let it go.”

  “How?” she demanded, angry that he made it sound so easy.

  “By accepting that the deaths of those two kids so long ago were not your fault.” His unflinching gaze held hers. “There’s a verse I really like from Psalms 56. ‘What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee.’”

  “I’ve tried that,” she muttered. “Repeating biblical verses doesn’t help me.”

  “Of course not.” He chuckled at her glare. “Because repeating them doesn’t reach the heart of the issue. You have to believe the words you’re repeating.” He reached up to brush a wisp of hair from her eyes. “Sweet Olivia, you’re trying to take responsibility for something that’s not in your power.”

  “Huh?” She struggled to concentrate on what he was saying, too aware of his warm fingers and how much she liked his touch against her skin.

  “Those children living or dying—whether you lived or died—that was not your decision, Liv.” Gabe’s gentle voice soothed as much as the brush of his fingertips. “Trusting God means believing He knew what was happening, He was there, and He decided when those children died. It was never up to you. You mattered to somebody. You mattered to God and He wanted you to live. It was His choice.”

  “But maybe if I’d—” The big strong cowboy’s gentle fingertips smoothed across her lips to stop the words.

  “Uh-uh. You don’t get to second-guess God’s choices,” he said in the most tender voice she’d ever heard. “God never put young Olivia in charge back then. He knew you wouldn’t save those two kids. He didn’t expect you to. He doesn’t expect that now, either.”

  Olivia remained still a long time, long after he drew his hand from her lips.

  “Then what does He expect?” she asked miserably.

  Chapter Eight

  Olivia’s words fell like raindrops, almost silent in the hushed evening. But in them, muted though it was, Gabe heard her unspoken desperation to be free of the longtime load of guilt she’d been carrying. He sent a silent prayer heavenward for the right words to offer this precious woman.

  “I think He expects you to trust that He had and still has it all under control, to rest assured that He has a plan, even though it’s one you may never understand.” Gabe felt as if he was treading on shaky ground. He was no Bible schola
r, no expert on the thoughts of God. But helping Olivia understand that she couldn’t keep blaming herself for the heartbreak of her past was like a physical need inside him. This beautiful woman’s sadness reached in and gripped his heart so strongly it scared him.

  “Continue, Gabe. Please?” Her trusting silver-gray eyes gazed into his and he knew he had to keep going.

  “Either you believe God is in control of everything, or He’s not in control at all. There’s no halfway with trust.” He had to get this right, had to help her understand. “Either you believe God does what is best for us or...”

  Gabe deliberately let it hang, praying that she’d finally absolve herself of the blame. But Olivia wasn’t there yet.

  “It sounds too easy to just blame it on God’s will,” she murmured.

  “Not blame. Trust.” Gabe’s emotions were running wild. He couldn’t stay so close to her, but he couldn’t walk away, either. He’d sort out these crazy reactions later; now he needed some space between them. He rose. “The past, as painful as it was, happened. You can’t change it. But you can change your future.”

  “How?” she demanded with a glare.

  Typical of this organized woman. She needed a plan, an organized, detailed strategy. But most of the time life didn’t have one.

  “Trust,” he said gently, watching as the words penetrated. “Stop being afraid.”

  She was silent for a long time. Gabe glanced at his watch. It was after one in the morning and he had a full riding day tomorrow. He should get home. And yet he was loath to leave and end these special heart-sharing moments with Olivia.

  He was about to say good-night when she spoke.

  “Is trust how you recovered from your divorce, Gabe?”

  There was no malice in Olivia’s question, but in his head her words condemned his self-righteous advice, because even after all these years he still could not get past Eve’s perfidy. Though she was no longer alive, his anger at her would not abate. It was a familiar ache. Too familiar. Why couldn’t he forget her?

  Gabe did not want bitter thoughts of Eve to taint this special new relationship with Olivia, so he brushed it off with a glib response.

  “I’m still working on the trust part. Maybe I always will be.” He cleared his throat. “I need to get home and you need your rest. Good night, Olivia.” He turned to walk away, but suddenly Olivia was there beside him, touching his arm.

  “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Gabe,” she said, her voice gentle. “I’m so sorry if I did. You’ve been a great friend to me. Thank you.” She wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him with a fierceness that surprised him.

  And yet it felt right. It felt as if Olivia belonged in his arms. Without a second thought, Gabe embraced her, holding her close in the intimacy of the evening’s darkness.

  “I know you’re trying to help me and I appreciate it,” Olivia whispered into his shirtfront. “But I don’t think I’m going to be able to trust God very easily.”

  “We all work at it,” Gabe murmured into her hair, noting the fresh citrus scent of it even after a hot day spent racing around The Haven. “But the kids that come here need you, Olivia. They need your leadership, your perspective, but most of all, your love. You’ve been where they are. You can empathize with their struggles as no one else can. Maybe that’s why God brought you home to The Haven.”

  “Just temporarily.” She burrowed closer.

  Somewhere in the hills surrounding them a coyote howled. The trees rustled with a light breeze that rifled through her hair, tossing those strands against his cheek. Gabe lifted one hand to smooth the silky threads, filled with awe at the wonder of God’s creation, and of this special woman who thought he was some sort of hero.

  As if.

  “Maybe you don’t know your family history, Olivia, but you know God.” Gabe rested his chin against her hair. “You’ve known Him for a long time, haven’t you?”

  “I thought I did, but—God doesn’t change, so I guess you’re basically saying that now it’s time to put my faith where my mouth is.” She drew away, sobering. “It’s time for me to walk the faith I talk. I agree with you. It’s way past time.”

  Gabe’s arms felt empty now that she’d stepped back. Odd how absolutely right that embrace had felt when he’d sworn he’d never let a woman get close again.

  He so did not want to think about Eve now. Yet he’d chastised Olivia for her lack of trust. Was it the same for him? Did he doubt God’s ability to heal his heart? Was he clinging to the anger because he was afraid God would let him get hurt again?

  What about Eli? This was no time to be thinking about romance. Not when Gabe still hadn’t figured out fatherhood.

  “Gabe? What are you thinking?” Olivia watched him with those all-encompassing eyes that took in far more than anyone realized.

  “That tomorrow’s going to be here before we know it,” he growled. “And that you don’t need any beauty sleep, but I do.”

  True to form, Olivia tilted back on her heels to study him. “I think you’re very handsome.”

  “Sure.” He brushed the words aside like a joke.

  “I mean it. You’re a very good-looking man, Gabe. But what I like best is that there’s more to you than simple good looks. You have a quality, an inner integrity, that drives most everything in your life. You’re utterly honest and that’s refreshing. Lots of men aren’t who you think they are.”

  Meaning the guy she’d fallen for, the one who already had a family? Comparing him to that creep did not sit well with Gabe.

  “Don’t crown me yet. The reason I don’t tell lies is because you always get caught.” He shrugged, brushed her nose with his lips, then stepped back. “It’s late. I have to go. See you tomorrow.”

  “Good night, Gabe. And thank you again.”

  He nodded. He didn’t want Olivia’s thanks.

  What did he want?

  Gabe walked to his truck, climbed inside and drove away, knowing she stood there watching until he disappeared from her sight.

  I don’t tell lies, he’d claimed.

  Yeah, right, cowboy. You’re telling the biggest lie of all and it’s to yourself. If you told the truth, you’d have to admit that hanging on to your anger at Eve allows you to forget that not everything about your marriage was awful, and that some of the awful part was your fault. You didn’t love your wife enough and that’s why she left.

  Uncomfortable with that, Gabe tried to put the past out of his head by mentally forming a list of all the things he needed to do before the house was moved at the end of the week. It didn’t work.

  In the wee hours of dawn, he was still wrestling with the bitterness that wouldn’t go away.

  * * *

  “C’mon, Livvie. I got my stuff. We gotta go see my house moving.” Raggedy suitcase bumping against his skinny legs, Eli tugged at her arm, urging her toward the car.

  “It won’t be there yet, Eli. Houses get moved slowly.” She smiled at the excitement blooming in his face. So like Gabe. One fingertip touched her cheek, remembering how he’d held her. Stop it! “Do you like going to Miss Erma’s now?”

  “Yeah. At first I didn’t want to go when you tol’ me ’bout her. But she’s nice an’ she has lotsa games,” the boy said. He threw in his suitcase, then buckled himself into the back seat. “I really like games.”

  “I do believe you’ve told me that once or twice,” Olivia teased as she checked the belt, then fastened her own. “Which game do you like best?”

  “The cookie game.” Eli giggled when she rolled her eyes.

  “Figures. My sister says you’re like the cookie monster in her kitchen.” Judging by the chocolate smear on Eli’s shirt, Olivia figured she’d probably hear it again.

  Olivia had discovered Ms. Erma Nettleworth’s private tutoring class thanks to the aunties. Though neither Tillie nor Margaret had
said so, Olivia was almost certain the two ladies had been instrumental in helping retired teacher Erma start her remedial summer learning program. Newly widowed, Erma was struggling to pay down the mortgage on the lovely cottage she and her late husband had built for their retirement. Her program was fast gaining notoriety for her unique and extremely effective methods of helping kids succeed scholastically, and Eli loved it.

  Thrilled that Gabe’s son would start school well-grounded in the basics and that she’d been able to talk Erma into taking one more student under her already bustling wing with the simple exchange of a week at The Haven for her grandson, Olivia reveled in a rush of joy. Finally, after all Gabe had done for her, she’d been able to do something to help ease his burdens. Now if she could only find a way to erase the tight lines around his mouth whenever he mentioned Eli’s mother.

  Half-listening to Eli outline how Miss Erma’s cookie game worked, Olivia drove to Gabe’s acreage while hoping she’d covered all eventualities that could occur at The Haven in her absence. The staff were rock-solid, and her earlier insistence that they be able to take over different facets of the ministry when Victoria couldn’t be there was beginning to pay off, as was her hard-fought scheduling plan. Olivia was mostly happy with that part of her job.

  She wasn’t as satisfied with her own efforts at running her aunts’ program. That kid, Skylar—she’d let him go on the ride today even though she’d known in her heart of hearts that he was lying about his previous riding experience. She’d purposely questioned him several times and watched him carefully on the ride yesterday, expecting trouble. Since he’d done all right, she couldn’t very well hold him back from going with his group this afternoon, but—

  “Liv?”

  “Yes, sweetie?” She glanced in the mirror at the young boy who’d wormed his way into her heart despite her resistance to getting too involved with him.

  “D’you think I’ll like it in my new house with...Gabe?” That slight hesitation was painful to hear after all this time, but it also told her Eli had been thinking about this for a while.